Life as the Living
by Indentity.Classified
Summary: This is a story containing the lives of the Walking Dead season 2 cast, following along with the plot lines of the originally written stories from episode 4 to 5. The only difference? Other characters will live, concepts will be rewritten, and other characters (including Clementine) will be the main character. I plan to keep this as simple as it can get. Read along if you'd like.
1. 01

**_THE WALKING DEAD_**

 ** _CHAPTER: ONE_**

 ** _"_** ** _CHASING CHANCES"_**

It happens all in one moment.  
Rebecca was carefully dropping down to the wooden floor with the assistance of Bonnie, preparing herself mentally for pain unseen or unfathomed by a woman who has never experienced childbirth as she spit curse after curse. Meanwhile I was standing near her, as was everyone else, preparing myself mentally to assist right before it all set in again.  
It only takes one quick moment to remember the state of the world surrounding us. Then we hear it.  
"They're comin' up the stairs!"  
Panic. In another moment Luke is stepping forward. "Here, we should…"  
Kenny sparks off quicker than a burning match, hand raised and ready to stop the unwanted action. "You wanna help? Get out there and keep the walker off of us! I'll do this. I've been here before."  
His attention returns to Rebecca. It is unyielding; steadily prepared to focus on the task at hand. A part of me is happy to see that look return to his eyes again.  
"They can't rush us on the stairs! Shoot 'em before they get to us!" Mike is calling from outside. His face only reads signs of panic.  
Luke is the first one out. "Shit, that's a lot of 'em. We need EVERYONE out here!"  
"What do I do?" I say to Kenny. I may be unsure, all things considering, but I'm ready. All I need is someone to tell me what to do and I can get right on to it, no fuss and no muss.  
"Whatever you can, Clem." He answers. Not quite the answer I was hoping for, but an answer nonetheless.  
I only need a second for my brain to decide what I'm more capable of handling.  
"I'm going outside. I'll help hold 'em back." I say to him.  
He gives me a look of trust. "Go. I've got Rebecca."  
"Here they come!" Mike warns, gun ready in his hand. Gunshots are fired the moment I reach him.  
Luke tosses me a gun. "Here. We can't let them up here."  
I take my stance, ready my mind and gun to shoot once more. I don't take much notice of Sarah next to me, but I can feel her fear. I can feel it because it is in me too. A herd of walkers is before me yet again and if I don't help someone might get hurt. I may be scared, but still I have to shoot to protect.  
I hear Sarah back away. A part of me is hoping she'll go back inside where it's safe and I know she won't get hurt, while the other part is hoping she'll figure out her own way to help like I use to, weapon or no weapon.  
I wonder if this is how Lee felt about me or how Carlos felt about her. I want her to stay safe always, but holding her back won't help her potential to shine or help her to survive.  
Before my mind can wander, an ear-screeching scream reaches my ears. I wonder what living in this world will be like for Rebecca's baby.  
Walkers continue to fall and groan. Jane turns to Mike. "There are too many of 'em."  
"Shit." He says. Our gun shoots continue to ring on.  
"Keep shooting! They are NOT getting' up here." Luke tells us. He doesn't sound too confident.  
Bonnie returns, helping them to block the door as Luke starts to chop off limbs. Mike calls to me, "Find somethin' to block off this gate!"  
"Help us!" Bonnie cries. I'm looking around, in panic myself. There aren't many options.  
"What about this?" I ask, referring to the trashcan. Luke turns quickly to see.  
"It's too light! We need somethin' heavy!"  
I look around some more, until it hits me. "We could block the gate with this!"  
"I'll help, I'm coming!" Luke says before he makes his way over to me.  
We push the cannon together. In the corner of my eye I see distress on Sarah's face. Fear is trying to consume her. I can only hope she isn't taken over by another panic attack as we positon the cannon.  
"Together. Ready?!"  
I give a nod. We push the cannon. Another moment of desperation and panic passes.  
Before anyone can do anything else, the ground is shaking and the world near our feet starts to crumbles. It falls with the cannon.  
"Aww, shit!" Luke is saying.  
"Holy fuck!" Mike is saying.  
The walkers still groan at us as they fall.  
"What the fuck is goin' on out there?!" Kenny is yelling.  
A noise wails around us. The screws holding together the world just beneath us are coming loose right before our eyes.  
"Get back! Get back!" Luke is the first to say.  
"Ohhh! Shit!" Jane yells.  
The last thing I hear before I jump to stability and safety is the sound of everything crumbling around me and pure fear piercing my ears.  
I follow Luke. Bonnie follows behind me. Mike is a second behind her. I stare before life and death with only fear.  
"Jane!" I hear myself call. She's hanging on to life. Meanwhile another that is dear is trapped under death.  
"Sarah, hang on!" Bonnie calls out.  
"Fuck! Fuck, hurry! I can't hold on!" Luke is saying to Jane.  
I'm not sure who to look at or what to look at anymore.  
"AAAA! HELP ME!" Sarah gets my attention.  
Luke is looking at me now. "Clem, come on!"  
"Jane, save Sarah!" I say desperately.  
"Are you crazy?" Jane looks at me with disbelief. "There's no way she's getting out of that! Pull me up! It's suicide!"  
"We can't leave her without trying!" I'm looking back to Sarah. She is screaming. Death is looking her in the face. There is pain squeezing at my heart. "Just go!"  
Jane glares at me, lets out a grunt as if she can't believe I don't comprehend the situation. A part of me is wondering if she does.  
"H-Help!" Sarah is crying, thrashing under the boards.  
Jane tries to lift them with all her might, with little change. Just as walkers approach, more gunshots are fired. She looks up to her saviors. Mike and Bonnie stand bravely with their guns. No bullet is shot with waste. My heart is given little closure.  
Jane tries again, giving little attention to the approaching walkers. This time she succeeds. "Okay, move!"  
"I can't! Help me, somebody help me!" the fear of death has set into Sarah. She continues to call for help.  
"I'm trying! You have to listen to me!" Jane is saying to her, trying to best to reach Sarah who screams.  
"Sarah, you have to trust Jane!" I try too. I can't let her believe she's going to die like this or that we'd just leave her to have such a cruel fate.  
A board falls, landing on Jane. Luke is the first to scream.  
"SARAH!"  
"What the hell are you guys doin'?!" Kenny is furious behind us.  
"Bonnie, keep them away!" I demand. "Luke, we need to get down there!"  
He nods to me, adrenaline kicking in. He is sliding down to them before I am. Gunshots ring from above, shooting one of the walkers.  
"No, no! Go away!" Sarah is shouting as they draw near. She tries to crawl away, calling for her Carlos in her act of desperation.  
"It's okay, Sarah! We'll help you!" I tell her as I slide to my knees in front of her. I push one of the boards off, with much effort.  
"Jane, watch out!" I can hear Bonnie calling to Jane as she takes out the walker nearest her.  
Jane thanks her with a nod before falling to her knees and helping to shove the boards off. "Sarah, if you want to live you have to act like it! Move, dammit!"  
"I think her leg is broken!" I say to Jane as I go to help Luke. I shoot as best I can, but the walkers are closing in.  
"Fuck, we have to go!" Luke says going over to the girls. He lugs off most of the boards, deciding pulling Sarah up from the rubble to be easier.  
"Mike! Bonnie! Just get the ones the closest, Clem it's time to hail ass! Let's go!" Jane directs.  
"I'm coming!" I say, running to them.  
"Go, go!" Jane points. I nod to her, taking Sarah on my back. "We'll get these, just get her inside!"  
I climb up, grunting as my heart beat fastens more. Just as I make it to the top, Sarah is lifted off of me. I look up to see Mike offering his hand. "I got her! Come on!"  
I take it quickly and am pulled forward as well. I turn to see Luke kick off a walker that his machete got stuck in. Jane beats off another coming for him with a board. She has to beat it twice before it stops moving.  
"Climb, fast! Now!" I say to them as Mike goes to sit Sarah near the entry. I hurry to help pull Luke up. "They're right behind you, you have to move faster!"  
"Clem, let me barrow you're hatchet!" Bonnie says, grabbing the tool from the ground as Mike and I get Luke up. Rebecca's screams become louder in the background. "Get Jane up here, I'll stop 'em from reachin' us! Mike, give me a hand!"  
"Help me! Don't let me die like this!" Jane cries, absolutely terrified as she lunges out her hand. A watcher reaches for her foot just as Luke and I grab her. I see her eyes widen in horror.  
"Jane, no!" Luke roars. He's more scared than her to be alone all over again. "You have to fucking kick it off!"  
"Not again…" I hear myself say aloud. "We can't lose someone again, not this fast."  
Gunshots are fired behind me. The deck collapses. Jane falls into Luke, clasping onto him with shaking fists. When I turn around I find Sarah holding a gun, hands shaking and eyes wide. She starts to hyperventilate.  
"Oh, god…I-I thought it was over…" Jane is saying. I hear Luke comfort her as she cries like the world isn't around to hear.  
I get up to run over to Sarah. The moment I reach her all I can manage is crashing into her. We drop to floor, our legs giving up on us. Sarah bursts into tears. I have to check if I hurt her. She shakes like a leaf. "Sarah, it's okay. You're alive, we're all alive. You did it…you really did it."  
"C-Clementine…!" She says through her tears. I squeeze her more, listening to her repeat apology after apology.  
"Oh…Oh no." we hear Bonnie. We all go to join her, circling around Rebecca. We watch as Kenny holds the baby, sorrow on his face. Rebecca is now the one overflowing with tears. The baby isn't moving.  
"Is…is it…" I'm too afraid to ask.  
The baby begins to cough and cry, answering my question. Life fills it and its cheeks turn colors of reds and pinks. Its brown skin takes its color. Kenny half gasps and half laughs, breathlessly…quietly…thankfully…  
We move in closer with smiles on our tear stained faces, prepared to meet an addition to our small family.  
"A miracle has been created." Bonnie says, elated. "I'm proud of you, Rebecca. And this here little one too…It an't easy bein' born."  
"You're damn right…He pulled through just fine." Kenny says with a smile as he rocks the child. He looks up to Sarah, a proud, gentle fatherly look in his eyes. "Just like you, little darlin'. You sure as shit pulled through. Both your daddies would be proud."  
Sarah starts to cry again as she collapses to her knees before the child and its mother, some fear still left in her. She carefully places her still shaking hand on the baby that looks at her with bright eyes. "I'm so happy I get to be alive to meet him…"  
"Me too, I know you'll be a good big sister." Rebecca smiles tiredly letting her hand fall on Sarah's. "I know you will. You and Clementine."  
Sarah nods weakly. I go to hold her other hand. "We'll get stronger and we'll teach him too, okay? We'll get stronger and face this world…That way we will stay alive longer to make sure he can remember us as good big sisters."  
She lowers her head, unable to respond as she cries behind her midnight colored locks. Jane turns to snuggle into Luke, her expression a mix of worry and relief. Mike's arm slugs around Bonnie's shoulder as they smile to each other.  
"And so we live to see another day…" Jane whispers to no one in particular.

* * *

Author Notes:

Hello! I just thought I'd leave a little something here, maybe something like notes or just some info for you. First thing's first: this is my first time writing fan-fiction for the series the Walking Dead. I wrote it as a stab in the dark really, a sorts of rebellion as a Sarah-Defender (what I call people who like and/or defend Sarah). Her death did not do her any honor, was meaningless, completely ignored after it happened, and really was just shameful, considering it was basically a huge middle finger to those like myself who had grown emotionally fond of her and what have you. I felt I just had to write this, or my soul would be forever tormented by the impact of her death.  
Mind you this was poorly written, since as I said it was written without much preparation, but I hope to make it a successful story. Usually I plan these things out, but when I was thinking of how Sarah could have been saved, I had an idea and ran with it. Simple as that, no muss and no fuss. I didn't want to get mess with it and over plan and run myself into a wall over it. I just wanted to try and write for a change. If you have any ideas or comments, I'll happily take them. I also welcome constructive criticism, but won't be tolerating any negativity. I want this to be a space of pure creativity for me, brining any negative vibes will only destroy what's fueling all of this: my love for this game and Sarah in general. I certainly don't want that, so I won't be having that. In any case, it's my story and I honestly don't care who hates it or Sarah. I'm just here to surrender to my ability to keep my dearest Sarah alive and return to enjoying one of my favorite hobbies.  
Anyway, thanks for reading! I really do appreciate it. Just in case the title of this fanfic changes, just know it is because I thought it was stupid...

-K


	2. 02

_**THE WALKING DEAD**_

 _ **CHAPTER: TWO**_

" _ **Depths of Disaster"**_

I awake to the sound of crying and harsh winds.  
Barely navigating half asleep I look around in a daze, eyes blurred and mind boggled. I turn towards only what I can hear, using sound to guide me. "Sarah…?"  
The crying ceases. Silence falls over all. All movement becomes still. I almost convince myself I was dreaming until a sniffle sounds about.  
"I'm sorry…I thought I had learned how to cry quietly by now. I guess not…" She says to me, voice soft and broken.  
"Why are you crying?" I sit up, try to wipe the eye crust blurring my view. "Are you okay? How's your leg feeling?"  
With a shaky tone she replies to me: "I'm…not okay. Again, I'm really not okay."  
I stand, direct best I can through sleeping bodies and make my over to her hunched up figure near the open entry. I take a seat next to her, try to smile. "What's hurting? Maybe I can help…"  
"Clementine…" she pauses to struggle with her heavy tears. "He's gone…My dad, he…He's really gone. My whole world…my only system of protection and support, it's all just gone. The one person I counted on for everything…the one who was supposed to keep me alive isn't next to me anymore…I don't know what to do. I can't go home because it's all gone!"  
I look down to my feet, a familiar grieving emotion stinging my heart. Denial has passed her, gone through her and took what it could until it released her. Realization has come to hit her like a brick wall. She's reached a wall of grief taller than her. Bigger than her. Stronger too.  
"I'm sorry, Sarah." I say quietly. "If it helps, I know what it's like. I can understand what you're feeling. You're not alone in this…"  
"Do you really?" She's looking at me, begging to be understood – to not be left alone to face her longing and pain. I can only nod. She gives me a sad look. "Who did you loose?"  
"His name was Lee…" I repeat once again. The same old story, told over and over… "He wasn't the only one…but he was the most important. He was like a second dad to me kind of. He took care of me and kept me alive. He even taught me how to survive and everything. He's…the only reason I'm still alive."  
"I'm sorry you lost him." Sarah's voice becomes small, regretful. She wipes her red eyes in silence for a moment. "But ya know…I'm kind of jealous. I know I shouldn't say that, but…I hate it. Not being able to be like you. I know I've said it before, but…when it comes down it to and I start to get scared, I just – I know exactly what I want to do, but when the scary feelings take over its like I don't know how to help. Like everything goes blank and all I know are those really icky feelings. I really, really want to do something, but I get all frozen and I make things harder for everyone and all I can do is scream for help. I hate it even more because I know exactly how I'm affect everything…It must be annoying."  
"Not at all, Sarah." I look up to the open, cloudy skies. I can feel her staring at me with a mix of appreciation and doubt. I find myself smiling. "I think your kind of scared must be really scary…I mean, it must be like the highest level of scared and if you feel it all the time, than I think if anything it must be harder for you more than anyone. I just wished I could help really, but…it's been so long since I've had a friend I'm not sure what to do to help. I've also, um, never had a friend who felt like that almost all the time…So I guess I'd have to _learn_ how to help you, I think."  
I hear her giggle lightly. "Thank you, Clem. That means a lot. Especially because…no one really tries to comfort me when I get all panic-y. They just move me from place to place, or really not move me at all as you've seen before. It's easier that way, so everyone accepts it – even me. They think giving me space helps. I think it does, but still it makes me feel really alone sometimes. Like I hate to be alone, even if things get scary. I'm okay with people leaving me to panic, I just hate going through those times alone. And to be honest I hate being kept out of all the adult stuff just because of how I am. I doubt I could really do anything, but still…I want to contribute, to help everyone and I can't help if I don't know what's really happening…it really hurts, ya know? It hurts even more now…to know I got my dad killed like that because…it keeps happening and I couldn't…I couldn't…There was nowhere for me to feel scared and it all just happened so fast…"  
I listen to her struggle to choke back tears. I give her a moment before speaking, to collect herself.  
"I hated it too, watching people I love get hurt. But that's why you learn how to help, right? On your own terms, in your own way. It doesn't have to be shooting; no one is expecting anything big like that from you. Killing walkers isn't so easy, we all get that. And you can conquer that fear. I know you can, because I did and…I know you're not me, but you have me here to help you."  
"Do you think I can?" she asks, belief and self-esteem hanging on a thread. "I mean even if it's shooting or beating my scary feelings or something like that…do you honestly think I can do any of it?"  
"Of course I do." I look over at her. "All you need is some training…I'm sure we can think of something. I knew a girl – her name was Lilly – she use to make up these training sessions. It really seemed to help Lee and Kenny and everyone before. She told me that if we did it that we could train our emotions too. To be stronger and better prepared like our mind. I think if they did something like that you could do it too, definitely. We just have to teach you and you just have to put in the effort – we can all help each other and improve together."  
"I'd like that…" a small smile finds her face. She rests her head on her folded arms. "I want to change…be a better Sarah and help everyone the best I can, without getting scared."  
"You can be scared if you want." I say calmly, sleepily. "That's like the biggest secret of being brave – you do it _because_ you're scared. You're scared, but doing what you can matters more than your fear, so you just kind of do it with all the fear in your heart… Being brave or strong doesn't mean you can kill walkers without crying or risk your life without being scared. None of it means that you just have to change either, that's what Lee taught me. It's okay to be scared, just don't let it take over if you can help it. You can just grow a little, as a person. Improve, day by day…"  
"Okay…that sounds good." Her head falls on my shoulder. I watch her close her eyes, get a little piece of mind. "I want to grow. I will…I'll become brave, even if I start to get really, really scared or even cry. I won't let any of it stop me."  
"Good. Lilly use to say deciding to do something better for yourself was always the first step to getting better. I know even Lee thought like that too and I trusted him and how he thought about things more than anyone… Now we just have to really do it, okay? I'll help you." I say, eyes starting to feel heavy once more.  
"Do you promise?" she says wearily, holding out her pinky finger.  
I wrap my own around hers. "I promise, Sarah. Let's keep getting stronger together, so everyone can be proud of us. The living and the dead…"  
"I really…want to make my dad…proud." She mumbles, surrendering to sleep. I can't but smile, slipping into sleep beside her.  
I believe in Sarah. I believe in her ambitions and wants. I believe in her future. We will evolve and change into better survivors. We will grow more and keep alive together. Death won't even be able to touch us and sadness won't always fill our hearts.

The next thing to wake me up is more crying. This time it is a tinier whine and slight coughs. As I awaken I try to move without weight, doing my best to not wake Sarah or the others. As I walk over to check on the baby, Rebecca's glossy eyes find me.  
"Hey, Clementine." Her voice is low, adoring.  
"Hey. How's he doing?" I kneel down as quiet as possible in front of her.  
"He's perfect." She's smiling, staring at him with an affectionate gaze. "Who's a perfect little man? Who's the most perfect little man in the whole wide world?"  
"He looks like Alvin." I offer peace of mind.  
"You think so?" her eyes are full of appreciation.  
"Definitely." I recall all her worrying from when I hid in the bathroom in the cabin. I don't think she'll know for sure, but the least I can do is that much.  
"Thank you." Her voice is heavy with gratitude. Just before I can speak, she begins to cough and, of course, just before I can worry she reassures my worry. "I'm fine, I'm fine…I just wish I could get warm."  
We watch Mike shift and turn over to us, slightly lifting himself. "Clem…why don't you give her that coat we found?"  
I give a nod, turning around to search inside one of the cabinets. I pull out the coat, offer it over to Rebecca.  
"Sorry, y'know, about the color." Mike turns back over, assume the sleeping position he was in.  
"You really think I care about that?" Rebecca's tone is slightly annoyed. Mike doesn't budge. I silently have to laugh to myself, thanking him for caring. "Do you want to hold him?"  
"Could I?" I sit the jacket down beside her.  
"Of course. You're family. Here." She is smiling at me as I nervously hold my arms out to grab the baby. Once I have the baby wrapped up in my arms, she unfolds the jacket, snuggles under it.  
I offer warm smiles as I look down at him fussing about. "Shhh, shhh. There you go."  
"You're a natural." Rebecca says, watching closely.  
"Look at you. Like a real big sister. I guess you're all ready for that role." Kenny approaches with light steps, a grin on his face. He lowers, reaching for the baby. "Here, let me take him. You both should rest. Especially you."  
Rebecca looks away, a mix of awkwardness and thankfulness on her face. It must be was odd for her to depend on people even more than she already did. "When's the last time you slept, Kenny?"  
"About two years ago. I'm fine. Plus somebody's got to watch you while Mama gets her beauty sleep." He leans in, sniffs the baby. "You never forget that smell."  
He takes his leave to the other side of the room. As I watch him I catch sight of Jane, walking away from the entry. I follow, Rebecca's eyes on me like I'm a target. She was never one for secretary and I can only guess she'll ask me later about this. But for now…  
"Aw, shit." Jane says when she finally notices me watching her, which doesn't take long.  
"What are you doing?" I stare at her, confused. Something felt off.  
"Listen…I'm sorry. I've gotta go." She says before turning to lift up the door. She does so cautiously.  
"Go? Go where?"  
"Just…away, okay?" She looks at me with unreadable eyes, but can't look long. Her gaze falls and looks forward to her escape route. "You know…I don't want to do this. I don't want to get attached to another group like this and have to keep being put in situations where I have to see them being so close to death. I'm not strong enough to see that again, and I don't want to keep risking my life over it, so I'm not going to stick around and…watch it happen to you, too. You know the score."  
"But…I thought you believed in me?" The words fall from my mouth before I can stop them.  
"I do. But give it enough time, and everyone's luck runs out." I watch as she attempts to flee. "Listen…when the shit hits the fan, 'cause always does, remember that you can make it on your own. It's not an option for everyone… If things start heading south, don't let them drag you down with them. You don't owe them anything. They'll make you feel like you do. Like it's all one happy family, but when push comes to shove…"  
"I owe these people everything. They've kept me safe, looked out for me. I wouldn't be here without them." I claim with no doubt in my mind.  
Jane throws me a look as I she wished I understood. "Well, they can't keep you safe forever."  
"No one is safe forever." We both look to where the voice is coming from. I have to turn, but Jane can see right away. Before I turn fully around I note that the expression on her face doesn't look well. Sarah is standing there, hands curled into fists. She's not looking at us. "No one is safe forever, but isn't that why we fight together? Isn't that why we fight for one another? Until the end…because we want to enjoy the company of those we trust and love, until it is the end of all of us."  
Jane grumbles uncomfortably. "Well that's not the life I signed up for. I don't want to get attached to anyone, only to get scarred later when it's all over. I'd rather…not burden anyone with having to miss me. But you girls take care of yourselves, okay? I mean that. Just because I'm not fit for any of this…it doesn't mean you shouldn't look out for each other. Be something close to a family, just like you said. Take these."  
I look down at the nail file and pair of keys she's holding out. Sarah moves closer to observe the objects. She hands the nail file to me and the keys to Sarah, telling us with a soft tone that versatility is not overrated. "Thanks."  
"Thank you…" Sarah's voice is sad and heavy.  
"…Yeah." Jane's face becomes calmer, somewhat sadder. "I, uh…I gotta go. I'm almost happy…that I could protect you two. Make sure to use those, okay? They be stolen…but they could really come in handy. You never know."  
We watch in silence as she turns her back on us, steps along down the stairs making little noise. As she exits the building, I have to sit down when the weight of her absent presence sinks in. As the door shuts I have to tell myself not to cry. When I look at Sarah she is clutching those keys to chest, struggling not to sop Jane and apologize.  
I tell myself that this is probably good for both parties. That it has to be.  
"Hey." Luke says, leaning on the wooden rail before him. "Thought you two would be asleep by now. You ladies okay?"  
"I'm fine." I say slowly, try to sound as if my heart isn't the least bit broken.  
Sarah only turns away just slight to hide most of herself. "Fine…"  
"Okay. Good. Hell of a night, though…" he sighs deeply. "Temperature's dropping. We're low on food. I think we've gotta stay put a while, you know, for Rebecca and the baby. So I'm thinking as soon as it gets light, Jane and I should go explore, see if we can find some place to scavenge."  
I have to lower my eyes. I know for sure he's picked up on the situation.  
"What?"  
"Jane left…for good." I hear Sarah speak faintly, trying not to sound abandoned and at fault, though it is heard clearly in her voice. I hear him lift from his position.  
"What? When?"  
I stare at the empty wooden floor below us. "Just now."  
"Are you serious? She didn't say anything about leaving to me. What the fuck?!" he's starting to walk away. I watch as he kicks the wall, frustrated. Sarah flinches, starts to shake. The feeling of being betrayed in his voice is clear as day.  
"Hey, keep it down." Kenny comes to warn almost immediately.  
"Sorry, I…sorry. Just…Jane's gone." He says awkwardly, rubbing back of his head.  
"Really?! Luke? Of all the childish bullshit." Kenny says annoyed in a whisper. The baby is beginning to fuss in his arms. I stand, go to place a hand on Sarah's arm. As if we haven't had enough of this fighting…  
"Childish? God dammit, Kenny, you know what? Just…lay off." Luke whispers back, truly offended. He tries to walk away from the situation.  
"No. You put our lives, this BABY'S life at risk so you two could roll around like fuckin' teenagers!" Kenny scolds, his tone irritated.  
"Look, I made a mistake, all right?" Luke turns back to him, sounding truly apologetic.  
"No, it's not alright!" the baby becomes louder. He must not be once for disputes either…  
"Please, stop it…" Sarah whispers, shutting her eyes tightly.  
"What do you want from me?" Luke pleads.  
"You guys are both acting like jerks." I interrupt. "All you guys do is fight."  
Luke lowers his head for a moment. "Look, I'm sorry, okay? I fucked up…but y'know what? Jane, she made an offer and…Jesus Christ, I needed it, okay? I mean, look around you, okay? Everything is SHIT. So forgive me for wantin' to enjoy ONE MOMENT of somthin' else!"  
"Fine. But this baby…he's what matters now, got it? So get your shit together." Kenny looks down at him and back to look, a serious gaze in his eyes.  
"Kenny, where's my baby?" We hear Rebecca call from afar.  
"Is everything alright?" Mike comes to check on us, poking half of himself out.  
"Everything I fine." Luke sounds offended. He walks off this time successfully.  
"We're gonna need a good place to raise him, which ain't here, we gotta push on." Kenny tells Mike, going back too. "We head north. Get to Wellington. That's our best shot."  
I bring Sarah along, going towards them. I rub her back as I speak. "There's a town across the river, it might be safe there"  
"Or, at least it might be a good stop on the way." Kenny turns to Luke.  
Rebecca reacts first. "Kenny!"  
"I'm sorry." He goes to hand the small boy over to her. She checks him, looking him over with worrisome eyes.  
"Clem's got a point." Bonnie announces. "That could be a whole town full of supplies, and not far from here!"  
"Whole lot better than here, anyway. Looks like that's our best bet." He stares out at the open view with pebbles of optimism in his eyes. "We need to get on the road as soon as possible…we leave at first light."  
"Already?" Sarah says next to me, voice still small.  
Luke approaches Kenny. "Whoa, whoa! What're talkin' about? Rebecca needs rest. A few days…at the least!"  
"We've got that baby formula…" Bonnie says quietly.  
"That won't help the rest of us. And what about shelter? We'll freeze out here." Mike debates.  
"But she doesn't look good…can't we just wait until she feels better?" Sarah speaks up, though not by much.  
"Luke's right, she needs to rest. We should wait a few more days." I say for the both of us.  
"Maybe that's for the best. We don't want to push Rebecca too hard." Bonnie says as she comes over to rub Sarah's hair to show encouragement.  
"Just give me a day or two, Kenny. I'll be fine." It's Rebecca's turn to speak up now.  
Kenny turns to her, looks her dead in the eyes. "This is a mistake."  
Mike turns to Bonnie, gives her a look of affection and worry. "Look, we should all try and get some sleep. It's been a long day."  
Sarah tugs on my jacket, points over to the world being sprinkled with white. "Look, Clem, snow…!"  
I look to Kenny, we exchanges looks of concern for a moment before I lower my eyes, consider if he's right or wrong. Rebecca's coughing draws all attention.  
As Luke makes his way to her, Mike and Bonnie go to lay down. They end up lying almost across from each, one upside down from the other. For a moment I watch them show gazes of uneasiness, then smiles of warmth.  
"Sorry." Rebecca apologizes softly.  
"Okay Becs, it's gonna be alright." Luke says confidently to her. She coughs more and more.  
Sarah tries not to look anxious. I end up taking her outside with Kenny to gaze upon the view of our world now where she tries to block out the world. She continues to squeeze her keys. I take time to think, paying little mind to the scenery. Kenny stands in his little world, alone in it all.

* * *

Author's Notes:

Hello again!  
First I'd like to say thank you very much for reading the 2nd chapter of my little Fanfic, I really do applicate it since I'm still not that confident in my writing as of yet. So, what'd you think? I'd love to know. It helps to structure the story.  
I'd also like to say, please don't expect any other main character but Clem for now. Before I write in the narrative in another character, I want to make sure I truly understand that character and how they feel about themselves/the world around them/things in general. I think it's important, so please don't expect it any time soon and enjoy the story from Clem's perspective for now!  
Moving on, the big shoot out is up next! I have a few changes here and there, so please anticipate it! Also, one last thing, I'm going to tackle some big concepts I think are important for the Walking Dead realm. I want to try to open some eyes about what it means to be of the living and strong and surviving and what not, so I hope you'll stick around for it…!  
Sorry about the Mike-Bonnie thing by the way. They are a ship of mine and, if I'm being honest, I'll probably end up showing it throughout the story, along with my other WD ships. Sorry if you don't ship them and it gets awkward! At least I gave you a heads-up beforehand, right? Lol…

-K.


	3. 03

_**THE WALKING DEAD**_

 _ **CHAPTER: THREE**_

" _ **Constructive Chaos"**_

We stalk through the cold of the morning with slow, heavy steps. The wind blows hard enough to chill bones, but not enough to knock us off our feet just yet. We end up coming to stop. Rebecca is falling down in front of us. Bonnie is bending down to catch her.  
"You all right?" she asks softly. Luke turns in front of them.  
"She's exhausted. We all are." He says matter-a-factly. Now he's got his eyes locked on Kenny.  
"I can keep going." Rebecca stands, clutching her baby. She speaks with a faint voice, as weak as she is.  
Bonnie gives Luke a look of something like shock. Sarah frowns beside me with worry. We march on through the cruel freezing winter.  
"We shoulda left right away, instead of waitin' around. We coulda found more food and been someplace warm days ago." Kenny complains beside Luke.  
"We did the right thing. She was in no condition to move." Luke states, sure of his decisions.  
"She's worse now!" Kenny glares.  
"We could still turn back." Luke continues on with the debate.  
I turn to check on Rebecca. She looks colder than any of us. Weaker…more tired…less here.  
"That's not an option." Kenny concludes. To us he says, "Everybody hang in there. We gotta keep movin' if we're gonna make it to that town before nightfall."  
Luke is glaring at him now. "You don't even listen to anyone else. You just go on barkin' orders! You gotta lighten up, okay? You're pushin' em too hard."  
"I'm just doin' what has to be done. Like always." Kenny snares back.  
"Luke's right." I say to Kenny. "Everyone's tired."  
"Why are you takin' his side again?" He turns on me, glaring hard. "We shouldn't even be out here, we coulda got better shelter days ago."  
I turn at the sound of Rebecca falling once more. This time she goes all the way down. Bonnie has to lower to check on her. The baby begins to cry. Sarah runs over.  
"Oh!" Bonnie surprised.  
Sarah is holding onto Rebecca's arm. "Please be okay…"  
"Over here, there's a place to sit." Mike says. He's pointing to a tire hunched up on a pile of snow. Bonnie lifts Rebecca. Sarah goes to the opposite side to makes sure she stays up.  
"Rebecca, let me take the baby." Kenny is watching as they go over and sit her down carefully.  
"He's okay. I've got him." She responds, gazing down at him with apologetic eyes.  
"No, you rest for a minute. I'll watch him." Kenny walks over.  
"Back off, Kenny. She said she doesn't want you to take the baby. Don't be weird about it, okay?" Luke is still peeved.  
"I ain't bein' weird about it!" They go at it again.  
"Yeah. You kinda have been. And not just right now."  
"Sh sh sh sh…" Rebecca tries to calm the baby just as he begins to fuss.  
"He's not your baby." I get in between them, cross my arms firmly. This is getting tiring.  
"I was just tryin' to help." Kenny shrugs, frowning at us.  
"Hello!" we hear someone call from afar. We all turn to the direction of the voice.  
"What is this?" Mike questions.  
I catch a familiar structure of sentences, realizing it's a language I've heard before. "Arvo?"  
"Arvo?" Bonnie looks to me. Her arms are folded like she's trying to look tough again.  
"Jane and I met him on the observation deck. Before everyone else came." I answer her.  
"You know this sonuvabitch?" Kenny is the next to question me. "Well what's he want?"  
"He doesn't look like much." Bonnie says, sizing him up.  
That ain't the point." Kenny says aggressively.  
"Hello! Please?" Arvo is still calling to us.  
I stare at him for a moment, thinking back to the story of his sister. I try to weigh the option of it being a lie, try to pinpoint how much of it I trust. After a moment I answer. "I don't trust him. Also, he might be mad at us. Jane, she…we didn't send him off so easily."  
"Everybody keep your eyes opens." Luke demands.  
We move closer to show we'll see what he wants. As we wait for him, I look over to Sarah who stays near Rebecca and the baby. We exchange nods. Kenny takes out his gun.  
Arvo stops in front of us, waves. "Hello. You are Clementine."  
"What's goin' on here, friend? You got people with you? Where are they?" Kenny asks cautiously.  
"Your aren't out here on your own, are you?" Luke is next to speak. He looks around as he does.  
Just then a woman approaches, gun in hand and expression of anger on her face. Arvo looks at her with a somewhat shameful smile. To us he says, "These are my friends. We stay hidden for safety, but you we know. You are Clementine."  
He gives me a different smile, one I can't place. They begin to speak in their language. Two behind us join in with laughs and more words we can't understand. I look at Arvo, try to reason. "We don't want any trouble."  
"I told them you were the ones that robbed me." His voice becomes serious. "They think it's funny that you're just a little girl…"  
"Robbed?" Kenny eyes me.  
Arvo continues. "…and they want you and your friends to put down the guns so we can take your things."  
"Whoa, whoa, hang on now." Luke is surprised.  
Luke is mad yet again. "What the hell?"  
"Nobody get excited." Mike tells everyone.  
"Clementine, you robbed this guy?" Kenny asks me, disappointment in his words.  
"No. You aren't taking anything from us." I tell Arvo just as seriously.  
There's pity somewhere all mixed up in his expression. "They are not telling me to ask…"  
One of them is speaking again. More of something we can't translate. Behind Sarah is frantic, looking about with a pleading, scared look. "Oh god no, please don't do this!"  
"I wish we could have met differently, Clementine. But this is how it has to be." Arvo says to me. His eyes are sad, like he wouldn't choose to do this has he been given the option. I can't figure out if I trust it. Guns get pulled out all around. Arvo is telling me that this can be easy, but then he is interrupted. Then he says, "All of you put your guns down. This will be fine."  
"Fine, my ass!" Kenny snarls. Then there is more of that language, suddenly coming from all sides.  
"We have a baby!" I try to plead. The baby is yelling screams of discomfort. He can probably sense we aren't safe.  
"You have a baby with you?" Arvo observes. He speaks to his friends. They speak back. I think he's defending us.  
"Drop that now, or I'm gonna fuckin' shoot him!" Kenny orders. I think it's the fear sitting on his gut. It's worse when you don't know what the others are saying.  
Like they could off us any second without a second's notice…  
"Please! Oh no!" Arvo is saying, as if we just pulled the handle to ignite a grenade. Voices collide from every direction.  
"You! Don't even try it, motherfucker! I guarantee I'm a better shot than you! I'll drop you both!"  
"Drop it! Don't move."  
The baby cries louder. Sarah tries to comfort it, sounding desperate to quiet it. Another language yells.  
"Everybody be cool! It doesn't have to go down like this!" that voice is Mike.  
"I will not let them touch that baby!" Kenny is yelling.  
"I will kill you if I have to!" Mike shouts.  
"That's enough, just put them down, dammit!" Bonnie is now lifting her voice too.  
"Clem!" Sarah calls to, jumping back. She moves away as fast as she can.  
I know exactly what she's looking at. I know exactly what she's feeling. All over again it comes right back.  
The noises of voices rise around us. The only thing I know to do is shoot. The next thing I know Luke is yelling and gunshots are fired one after another.  
I try to move towards Sarah, but now everyone is dodging bullets.  
"No!" I hear Sarah screaming, but when I look up I don't see her or the baby.  
When I look around for them what I do see is Arvo trying to do CPR on his sister, A shot in the shoulder Mike is backing away, alerting the others that he's been hit, Luke is defending from behind the wall, one of the men is backing away with a bleeding leg still shooting at us, Kenny is still shouting curses, taking cover behind a tree, the man shooting at him is hiding behind a large rock, and a now dead Rebecca is lying out on the ground with blood leaking from her head. It's absolute chaos.  
"It just had to be a clean shot…I'm so sorry, Rebecca." I say to myself, piles of regret falling on me. When the sounds of a crying baby hit my ears, I turn my head to realize Sarah has him. She's looking around from behind a tree, trying to stop it from crying.  
It takes me a moment to gain the courage before I get into a starting position. Then I launch off in their direction, having to slide against the ground to dodge a bullet. Sarah lowers to me. "What do we do, what do we do?!"  
Bonnie flags us down from behind on the walls. "Get over here! Now!"  
I nod, turn to Sarah. "Come on! We can crawl for it; if we're careful we can make it over."  
"You go first." She hands me the baby. I take a look around before going for it. I don't realize she isn't behind me until I reach Bonnie.  
"Dammit, where is Sarah?" Mike yells to me. When I look back she isn't there, but thankfully there's isn't an blood either.  
"I-I don't know…!" I hide behind the wall, just missing a bullet.  
"Did she run off?!" Luke asks, ducking.  
I shake my head. "I don't think so!"  
"Shit. Okay…okay, we gotta do somethin' y'all. We're pinned down here." Rounds of gunshots go off, causing Luke to pause. "We can't just…sit here and let this guy take potshots at us 'til he runs outta ammo. We need to get the hell over there and end this. Someone cover me."  
"I'm on it!" Mike says. "Go, go!"  
Luke takes off. I hear him fall and throw a curse to the wind.  
"No, Luke!" Bonnie cries.  
Mike curses too as he leans over, aims for a target and… "Okay, he's down. Can you make it, Luke?"  
"Fuck, no! I've been hit in the leg, dammit." Luke replies, frustrated. When I check I see him he's hugging onto his bleeding leg. I catch Arvo glaring at me with tears falling from his eyes.  
"Kenny, dammit, what the hell?" Bonnie is screaming the moment she sees him catch the blonde boy. Arvo calling out in his language, trying to escape Kenny's grasp. There's a gun to his head.  
"You get out here, or I put a bullet in this kid's head!" he threatens. His grip tightens on Arvo. To the thrashing boy he says, "Shut up! Shut the hell up!"  
"Kenny, what are you doing?" I say to him.  
There's no reaching him, he's pissed. "Get out here! Right fuckin' now!"  
The man who was shooting at him speaks.  
"Quit fightin' me, boy! You think I'm bluffing? Get out here!" Kenny struggles to hold Arvo. He starts to become hysterical at the quick sight of his sister. He keeps speaking. Kenny continues to become angry. "Stop squirmin', damn it."  
I watch as the woman crawls towards me. As Bonnie calls beside me for me to shoot her, I have to tell myself that it's okay. She's just another walker.  
"Nooooooo!" Arvo yells when she falls to the ice. He goes for her, releasing himself. Kenny is quick to duck when the man behind the rock fires at him.  
"Natasha! Natash! Nooooo! Please!" Arvo says weakly to his sister, shakes her slightly. His eyes find mine. They are full on rage.  
The man abandons his cover, stepping from behind the rock. His gun is aimed at Kenny and the tone of his voice is wrath. Unforgiving and powerful.  
Just then he stops speaking. He tries to turn to see who put the knife in his neck, but falls before he can make it fully around. The one with her hand still wrapped around a knife no longer in her hand stares at him with terrified eyes.  
"Holy shit…" the second culprit says beside her. Kenny goes over, shots a bullet right through his head.  
Sarah jumps, unable to take her eyes from him. Jane looks from the man to Kenny with shock.  
"Safe to come out." He says, looking at us.  
"Here…I got 'em." Bonnie takes the baby. I make my way over to them, foot feeling like they forgot how to walk. Kenny passes me, tiredness in his face.  
Jane gets her knife, tucks it back where it belongs. For a moment I can only stare. Sarah still isn't moving.  
"Jesus Christ…that was, uh…that was intense." Luke mumbles. Jane smiles when she looks at him.  
"I thought…man, I thought that was it." Mike says breathlessly.  
"It was for these assholes." Kenny's footsteps stops, having reached them.  
"Thanks…for coming back…" I say to Jane quietly.  
"I didn't know this man…I've never killed someone that didn't wrong me in some way…that didn't deserve it." She says, reflecting.  
Looking at her and how she's speaking… I place a hand on Sarah. "Thank you, Sarah…you and Jane…you protected everyone."  
"I tried to pretend he was a walker…but it's different…" tears are falling from her eyes. She can't even look at me.  
"I didn't think it would be." Jane crossed her arms above us. The sadness in her voice is something she doesn't try to hide.  
"You saved us." I look up at her. Sarah covers her face, starts making unrecognizable sounds as she cries.  
"Yeah…that's why I did it, but…it felt wrong." Jane says to me. "What have I done?" Sarah struggles to say through thick tears as she cries harder. Jane's hand finds her shoulder just as mine falls off. This isn't something I can understand.  
I glance at the group and back to her. "You sure about this? About being in a group again…"  
"As sure as I'm gonna be. Let's go." She says, squeezing Sarah's shoulder. Sarah holds onto her, still crying. We walk over, join the others crowded around Rebecca again.  
Mike is the first to speak after a long silence. "How did this happen?"  
"She…turned. Just like that." Luke says. It's hard to say, I can see the struggle in his face. The aftertaste of his words makes me frown too.  
"Clem spotted it first…did what she had to do to protect the child." Bonnie notes, looking at me with pity and grief.  
"This isn't your fault, okay? She just…she just lost too much blood. It ain't nobody's fault." Luke's voice is kind as he speaks to me.  
"You saved the boy's life." Mike commends me.  
Luke is close to tears. "Y'know, we oculd have done better by her."  
"She was just…too far gone." Mike tries to comfort him.  
"She's with Alvin now." I try to find the good, if any.  
Bonnie nods. "Yeah…yeah, she is. Don't worry, Becca…we'll take care of your boy…you rest easy."  
"You piece of shit!" Kenny heats up. Then Arvo is at his hands again and Kenny is punching him.  
"Hey, hey!" Bonnie says immediately. She hands off the baby to me, runs over with Mike.  
"Stop." Mike pushes Kenny away.  
Luke stands in front of Arvo, along with Mike. "Guys come on!"  
"Get off me!" Kenny glares.  
"It's over, man. He ain't a threat to us." Mike isn't afraid.  
"How can you say that? Of course he is!" Kenny draws his gun. "Get out of the way."  
"Whoa, what're you doing?" Mike gets into a defensive stance.  
"I'm doin' the same thing this asshole did to us!"  
"It doesn't have to go down like that." Mike tries…  
Bonnie steps closer. "Kenny, please…"  
"He's just a scared kis, man." Luke tells him.  
"Please, no!" Sarah is screaming, taking cover from it all by hiding her face in Jane's shirt. She's reached her limit of the violence she can take today.  
"He wasn't the one shooting at us! The guy's dead." I say to Kenny, hoping it'll stop him.  
"Just cause he don't have a gun doesn't mean he wouldn't have." Kenny states, absolutely sure of his words.  
"Well, he didn't. So leave him alone." I step forward. This has to be stopped one way or another.  
"There is house, food…please. Please, I can take you." Arvo says, frightened.  
"Bullshit." Keny is quick to say before anyone can reply.  
Arvo shakes his head. "No, no! Is true. We have place. Not far. Food."  
"See? He wants to help." Luke tells Kenny.  
"Oh, don't be stupid. He's just tryin' to save his own skin. Why the hell would you want to help? Huh?" Kenny throws the words at Arvo.  
"I…I not want to see more people dead." Arvo answers him bravely, still scared. Even if it's his last card to play, his only way to live, if it means he can stop any more deaths…  
"Then close your eyes and I'll make quick." Kenny's voice is low, grim.  
Mike moves closer to Luke to protect Arvo. "Kenny, back off!"  
"If he's telling the truth, it could save all of us." Bonnie speaks up.  
"We need the food." I try again to talk through to him again. "None of this matters if we all starve to death."  
"She's right, Kenny. We're runnin' low on supplies as it is." Bonnie backs me up.  
"It's worth the risk to check out this place. Trust him, don't trust him, it doesn't matter. We should go anyway. We just need to be careful. It can't be far from it." Jane gives it a go too, though it sounds like she's more for shooting him if it comes down to it.  
Kenny whips back to look at her. "You stay outta this! You're the reason these fuckers came after us in the first place."  
"Don't try and pin this on me." She tells him. She doesn't sound as aggressive as she normally would, like she can already sense in the very least that she's apart of the problem.  
"Lay off, Kenny." Luke defends her. "She just helped us."  
"I was there with her. It's my fault too." I can't say. I can't let her take the fall for this alone.  
"Think about the baby, Kenny." Bonnie attempts appealing to him with the only thing that might actually work. He glances over to it, and back to Arvo with his hand still on the trigger. "If there's supplies there, we need 'em. We ain't gonna last much longer without food. We gotta take the chance. "  
"Unless someone's got a better plan…" Jane is becoming annoyed.  
We watch as he puts away his gun. I sigh with relief. "We got somethin' to tie this shitbird up?"  
"Yeah, I got somethin'." Bonnie sits down her bag, pulls out some rope.  
"Follow me. I take you." Arvo says as Bonnie ties him up. He might be looking at her, but she's trying not to look at him. It's the same look of regret when we handed her that box of food.  
"Just gimme a reason." Kenny says as he passes by.  
"Yeah, man. He gets it." Luke barks at him.  
Jane awkwardly pats Sarah's head, starts to walk. "Come on, kid…Time to get goin'."  
I follow them and we begin our journey once again. We march through the snow like lone warriors on a great quest.  
When I look ahead into a grave, cold future I feel Sarah's eyes on me. When our eyes meet I see a small part of her that understands why the future is cold, surrounded by the part of her that can now fears just how cold it can be. I hold out my hand to her, to which she looks down at blankly.  
I smile, try to show her that even if the future is cold, the present doesn't have to be. She takes it with trust, squeezes it with uncertainty. I can't comprehend her mental state, but I know that she's trying to keep it together. When she looks over to Jane, I follow her gaze. Jane is watching us in silence. After a deep breath she speaks.  
"Look…I know you're probably the most pissed about me leaving…when I heard the gunshots I…I knew it was a mistake, that I was wrong for leaving everyone. If it helps, the thing I'd normally do is walk away for good…but I didn't. And in the very least I'm sorry I left. Despite what my instincts are telling me. Despite…everything I've seen…Everything I've been through…"  
"I'm not pissed." I look at Sarah, to check if she feels the same way. She nods, beckons me to continue. "I'm not pissed…And I think most of us feel the same way…At least I know we do, and Luke too. I'm glad you're back. I didn't want you to go in the first place."  
"Thanks. That's…that's good, because you're probably 90 percent of the reason I came back. You and this little one…I didn't want to just leave her to become the same as…you know." She smiles somewhat to Sarah. "And it'd probably get pretty annoying if the both of you hated me the whole time."  
"Wouldn't want it to be annoying." I joke, looking to the rest of our tired group.  
"No. that would suck." A bigger smile stretches the corners of her lips, until it turns into a frown. "I'm gonna try and make this work. All I can do is…promise you I won't abandon you again. Which, to be fair, I've never done before…even though I probably should have…a few times."  
I know it isn't much of an apology, or if it is than not a very well-worded one, but I take it. I take it because I truly want her around to be with us along the way. I want her company, and trust in her company too.  
Sarah, having felt the same way from what I can tell, offers her hand. Jane teaks it, accepts it with a gentle smile.

* * *

Author's Notes:  
The only thing I have to say about this chapter is:  
If the writer of this game can pull some nonsense dialogue, than so can I with the whole switching up Jane's feelings for Sarah. Like really, if Jane can have a change of heart about Clem, then I'm sure she can with Sarah after all the defending options that Clem uses on Jane (if you pick those options anyway).  
Another thing, most of this is just game dialogue, I know it. I told ya it would be lol, but it's actually bugging me a bit, considering they sure do talk like hell. Might do something about that in the future. Most of the conversations wrote I'm comfortable with and agree with, so I don't see the point in rewriting them. But it is tiring. With that said, in any case I hope this was interesting to read with all the changes of that showdown scene. Thanks again for reading!

-K.


	4. 04

_**THE WALKING DEAD**_

 _ **CHAPTER: FOUR**_

" _ **A Life Lost is a Life Gained"**_

There's a cough, harsh against the chest and lungs. Yet, the one said cough escapes from, despite doubling over in pain, can still wave people away.  
"Don't worry," she's saying. "It's just a cough."  
"I just want to check…" I ignore her. When I place my hand to her forehead it feels warm and rough. I look up at her. "This is _so_ not allergies, I knew it."  
She half-heartedly chuckles. "It's not that bad, don't worry. It'll be two days tops before I overheat if anything, so just let me be. I just want to get to wherever the hell we're goin', then I'll get some real rest and get this fever down."  
"Stop lying to me." I look in her eyes. She stops smiling. "I don't want to be lied to anymore. Trust me enough with the truth, please…"  
"Sarah…Alright, alright…I'm a bit sick, but really it's just a little cold. It doesn't matter. It'll pass in a few days, probably." She says to me, looking away. "I don't want this getting out…I just got back. I don't want to have to leave over something like this."  
I sigh at her. This isn't how she should go about her life. If you're sick you can't just let yourself be sick or you'll end up wasting time to get well.  
"What's that supposed to be?" she nods at her chin to the object in my hand.  
I lift her hand, sit it down in her palm lightly. "A cough-drop. It's not much, but…my dad gave it to me. Eat it. It'll help."  
"I don't want it…you might need it." She turns her head away, places her hand over her face after giving it back.  
"You need it more, so let me give it to you. I want to. Besides, I have more. My…My friend, Nick, had another and he gave that one to me too." I lower my face. I don't think I can hide the grief in my expression if I don't.  
"So, that kid was your friend, huh?" she asks softly like I'm not hiding a thing. When I look up at her she isn't looking at me, but instead straight ahead over to Luke. Her face is unreadable, but her eyes glittering with sadness and affection.  
"Yes, he is…was. Whenever I froze up he'd be there for me…if I got scared and cried in the bathtub worrying if my dad would come home, he would sit right outside the bathroom. He didn't really say anything, but he listened if I told him stuff that made me scared or worried. He was nice." I lower my hand. "One time I told him I felt useless…and that maybe it'd be easier on everyone if I was gone, then I wouldn't be such a problem and everyone wouldn't have to keep tip-toeing around me…but then he showed all these old cuts hidden under his sleeve. I got really worried, but he just told me that I could get better…that I'd grow up and get really, really better, because he was able to. I was really happy that he was so nice to me…though I think he was still just like a boy, not like all the other guys…just a boy who didn't know what being a man meant and junk; the same boy who couldn't even shoot a deer. It always made me feel safe for some reason, like we could relate to each other so I really wasn't alone. I wish I could thank him…"  
"That's probably why he died." She says quietly, causing me to look up instantly.  
"How could you just say-"  
"Look I'm not saying it's bad to be that caring…just…stupid. Why invest time like that in people, lift them up so they can fall right back down? I mean…what's the point, especially if you don't get better?" she coughs again, harder than last time.  
I frown listening to her swear. I really don't want to cry anymore… "Jane…sometimes…sometimes people don't bounce back as fast as everyone else. Some of us need to be told nice things. Like a lot. It helps us get better. It helps us to…live in a way. That's why you can't give up, because everyone counts…every life counts, and even why connecting with everyone counts. It's the same way Luke didn't give up on Nick or Clementine tried to not give up on me so far."  
"Yeah, maybe…I guess that's why Jaime didn't just get better. I probably should've said something to her, something more instead of just…" she tries to quickly wipe up fallen tears. She catches them before they get halfway down her face. "Dammit, why couldn't I have been an only child? I just want to…be alone."  
"But why?" I ask her, looking at the cough-drop in my hand. I think of the people I know as family. "Why would you want to be alone when we're…well, we're the last of _us_. Everyone who is still alive is the last of everyone who's left. There's no point in being alone if we're the last friends and the last families we'll have in this kind of place, right? We need each other now more than ever. I mean what's the point of living if it's alone? There'd be no purpose…no connection…I think it wouldn't be fun at all."  
A smile appears on her face, makes it look warm and kind. "You'd make a great little doctor, you know that?" she takes the cough-drop back, unwraps it and tosses it in her mouth. "You really know how to make people feel like anything matters."  
"I just think we need to save each other since we're the last of everyone. Every human left alive counts, isn't that how it should be?" I pick up the paper, fiddle with it. I don't really know why, but I start to feel shy.  
"Maybe, Sarah…just maybe…" she crunches loudly in the silence. After a moment she speaks again. "But is it worth it? Is being connected to people, especially right now, really a good thing? Mainly if it's so many people?"  
"It is to me. People are important…even better if it's more people, so we can all trust and love and get by and live nicely until…" I crumble up the paper.  
She shakes her head, laughs again. "You must have had a really nice childhood to think like that, Sarah."  
"I think I did. My dad really tried to make it nice." I begin opening the paper back up and folding it. A memory of helping Rebecca fold clothes come back to mind, stringing my heart.  
I listen as she turns back over on her side, fold into herself. "I really hope…that you never have to meet really bad people. I'm talkin' worse than Carver and stupid robbers."  
I stop just as the ambush come to mind and the memories of the slap and bloody broken fingers and the herd of walkers flood in and screams from friends take over. Quick to react, I shove the paper in my pocket and lie down. I roll to my side, facing her back. Shutting my eyes I end up whispering my private thoughts, "I'm happy you're hoping at all. It gives me hope."  
I hear her chuckle tiredly as she turns to me. I tense up at first at the touch on my hair, then relax. "You're stronger than those memories, Sarah. I can bet on it."  
Unfortunately much later I end up welcoming more nightmares, much worse than the memories.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want to rest, Kenny? You haven't slept all night. We could just take ourselves a little break and you could catch some shut-eye." I hear Bonnie's voice in the darkness.  
"I don't need no sleep, you hear? So stop askin', goddammit." Kenny's voice is there to. It sounds much more meaner.  
"Alright, I get it. It was just a suggestion." She replies. "I was only worried 'bout you."  
I blink out of the darkness. The first thing to catch my sight is the snow. "Did I miss breakfast?"  
I feel myself lift and fall as I wipe my eyes. Jane turns her head to the side. "Yeah, you did. I saved you half of a fruit and nut granola bar and some water. You might have to hold it in your hands for a bit to be able to drink it though."  
"What do you mean?" I look down at her, wrapping my arms across her chest.  
To the side of us Clementine giggles. "She means the snow, Sarah."  
"Ew." I feel my nose wrinkle. "All kinds of shoes have walked on there!"  
"You're silly." My best friend tells me with a smile that causes me to smile back. The smiles don't last as a war breaks out in front as it always does…  
"You don't gotta point the gun at him the whole time." Mike stands up to Kenny yet again from in front.  
"You forget what we just went through?" Kenny say, sounding fed up.  
"He ain't goin' anywhere, Kenny. No need to get your arm all sore." Bonnie says out of concern, trying to reduce the chance of another fight.  
"I'm worried about, Kenny." Jane whispers. "He's…He's in a dark place. We gotta keep an eye on him. Everything he's been through…That he's lost. It's changing him."  
"Yeah, I've noticed that, too." Clementine say quietly, her voice is sad. Jane stops, puts a hand on her arm.  
"You're the only one that he trusts. That he really trusts. That means you're the one that's gonna have to pull him back. He's counting on you. If we're really going to make this work…We're all counting on you."  
"I'll do my best." The younger one promises her.  
"And I'll do what I can to help, okay?" I tell her and I mean it too. I don't want her to keep doing all these hard things on her own…  
She gives me a hopeful smile. "I know."  
"Come on slowpokes!" Bonnie calls, further ahead. We hurry along to catch up.  
"Thanks, but I wanna hold the baby." I tell Sarah. She sits me down and I run to get the child from Bonnie. When I fall back to where Clem is, she's still smiling. A part of me is happy she still can. It makes me want to try too and makes me feel happy. When I look down the baby is smiling too. I hope we can get him to keep his smile…  
I look up. "I'm so happy to be someone's big sister. I always wanted a sibling…and now I have three!"  
"You mean two, kid. I only have one little sister and I don't want any more than I need to have. But I'll let you think of me as a friend if you don't end up hating my guts." Jane says to me with apologetic eyes.  
"Good, because I can't hate anyone…and everyone can always use another friend." I say, rocking the baby. He responds in sounds of joy.

* * *

"Aaagh!" Luke falls onto the snow. Mike doesn't let him fall flat on his face at least.  
"Wait up! Wait. We need to stop." Bonnie turns around, wearing a face of worry and fear as she looks at Luke. It reminds me of how Sarita looked at Kenny…  
"No! No, I'm…I'm fine, okay? I just need a second. Sorry, I just…I just put more weight on it then I should've." Luke is quick to say, trying not to let us worry about him as usual.  
"All right, wait there." Kenny tells Arvo as he turns to check on Luke. When he realizes Arvo isn't stopping, he gets irritated – or more irritated than he already was in any case. Then his voice gets scary again. "Hey! What'd I say?"  
"Oh, no, I hate it when he's like this…" I turn away, making sure the baby can't watch.  
I can hear Kenny throwing Arvo to the ground. I flinch. "When I tell you something, you fuckin' listen, you understand?"  
"Kenny, come on! There's no need for that." Mike sits Luke down, faces Kenny with determined eyes.  
"He's getting' what he deserves." Kenny faces him, eyes glaring fire despite cold temperature. He goes back to Arvo. "I'm fuckin' talkin' to you."  
"That's enough!" Clementine gets in on it too. "Leave him alone!"  
"Please, enough already…" I try to say, but it comes out sounding more like a whimper.  
"Just fuckin' stay put." Kenny is telling him, like he can't focus on anything else other than inflicting pain and fear. My chest hurts as I eye Arvo.  
Mike turns to us. "I'm gonna have a word with Kenny. He doesn't have to treat him that way. Kid's been through enough." He's looking at Bonnie now, uneasiness and tiredness taking over his expression. "You all right here?"  
"Yeah, yeah. Go on and talk to him. I got Clem if I need anything." She replies, concern and awkwardness in her eyes.  
"Okay."  
"Here, just take the baby?" she hands him over.  
Mike carefully does as told. "Okay…"  
She leans down to Luke as he walks away, makes her voice low. "What is it with you guy?"  
"What do you mean?" he questions.  
"Every man I've ever known is always tryin' to let each other know how tough they are. Put 'em in their place." She responds. We draw closer. Clem takes a seat, sits on her knees in the snow. There isn't much else to do. Jane wanders away from the group, I try to keep an eye on her. I jump when I hear Bonnie's voice become agitated. "Buncha dominant, alpha horse shit. And it all ends the same way."  
"Don't look at me. I ain't that guy." Luke protests.  
"Oh, that ain't true. You get into your fair share of pissin' matches too." she claims.  
"Do I?"  
"Are you kiddin' me? Yes." Bonnie speaks with absolute certainty. I start to wonder what it's like to watch someone that closely…  
"I guess I should work on that." Luke says seriously.  
"They're just scared… that's when it happens… when they don't know what to do." Clem's voice is soft as she speaks. I look at her yet again…she seems to know so much…  
"Yeah. That makes sense to me." Bonnie tells her. We stay quiet a moment, not much left to say anymore.  
Luke breaks the pause. "I guess it took a woman to talk some sense into 'em. Looks like Jane broke it up."  
Clem's eyes travel to Jane, still talking to Kenny and Mike. "Thank god…"  
"Keep puttin' pressure on it, okay? I'm gonna fetch some bandages." Bonnie looks over to me. I nod and take over for Clem.  
"Hey, Bonnie…" Luke stops her before she can walk away completely.  
"Yeah?" she turns.  
"I'm sorry."  
"For what?" Bonnie asks, confused. The three of us watch her until Luke lowers her head.  
Bonnie lowers her eyes and I wonder what kind of secretly conversation they had. "I'll be right back."  
Catching my attention again is Luke who cries out in pain. "Dammit."  
"How are you feeling?" Clementine asks, glances up to him.  
"If I'm bein' honest…I've been better." He looks down at her.  
"I'm sorry you're in pain…" I say quietly. He just pats my head.  
There's a long pause before he speaks again. "How did we get here?"  
"What do you mean?" I ask.  
He looks away, eyes becoming distant. "Sittin' in the snow… leanin' up against a tree…bullet in my leg…but alive." He forces out a small laugh. "When so many of my friends are dead…for no good reason…and I couldn't do anything to stop it. Everyone we set out with, just…gone…Nick, Pete…Alivin and Becca…Carlos…And for what?"  
At the sound of his name, within the instant I find it hard to breathe again and tears blur over the image of white and leg and my hands all right in front of me.  
"You can't blame yourself. It wasn't your fault." Clem is telling him. It almost feels like she's talking to me too, but still my lungs can barely get any air.  
"No…not completely." Luke says. "I could've done more. And that ain't up for debate. I know it in my bones…and I've gotta live with it."  
I turn my head away. I don't' want anyone to see me cry again…  
Clementine's arm wraps around me caringly. I listen to Bonnie approach. "All right. This should work."  
"That's perfect." Luke tries to reply while hiding his own self-disappointment.  
"What I miss?" Bonnie lowers to us. I can feel her staring at me. I hunch into myself, turn to Clem.  
"Hmm? Oh, nothin' much. You know, complain' mostly. Tryin' to guess how far this place is. I'd like to get off this leg sooner than later."  
Clem rubs my arm. "I was just mentioning how cold it is lately."  
"Yeah. Good thing you got that cool jacket, huh?" I hear her smile in her voice. "I'm sure most of that'll come right out with a little soap and water."  
"I'm fine." I glance up to see Luke exchanging looks with Clem.  
"Hey, girls…go over and see if you can change the bandages on Kenny's wound. I offered, but… I don't think he was comfortable with me doin' it. But you know him better than I do," she looks to me. "And you've applied this stuff a few times in the past before with your daddy so we know you know what you're doin'. Maybe he'll let you two do it. They really need changin'."  
"Okay." Clem stands.  
"That a girl." Bonnie smiles.  
"I don't know if he'll let me…" I say uncomfortably. To touch in someone's face who you don't know well…I'm not sure my dad would like that and Kenny's at the top of my fear list…  
"He may not, but you oughtta try. Clem will be there to support you, it's okay." She hands me a bottle of peroxide and a rag. "That's gonna sting, but only for a second. It's gonna clean it."  
"Oh, I know what it does…it's gonna suck." I mumble to her. I know I'm not particularly Kenny's favorite.  
"It's gotta get done." He gives me a serious look. Clem takes my arms, hoists me up with an encouraging grin.  
"Go on." Bonnie instructs. We walk over.  
"I was thinkin' we go with Alvin Jr. What do you think?" he says to Clem, then looks to me. "Rebecca mentioned she'd like to name him Alvin if it was a boy. I mean Rebecca was so out of it, she hadn't settled on a name…"  
"I think his parents would have liked that." The shorter one of us speaks first. I nod, unable to fit my eyes. Even this softer version of him feels intimidating for me.  
Still, I speak. Daddy always said it's not polite to ignore someone who was talking to you. "They would have, definitely…"  
"Yeah…me too. Alvin Jr. it is. You like that?" he speaks to the tiny boy. His face lights up in smiles. "Well, I think AJ approves."  
"That's…good. Very good." I shift my hands behind me. A part of me wants to retreat. I feel a tug and suddenly my hand is empty of the peroxide bottle. When I look over, Clem nods at me with the bottle in her hand.  
"What's that you got there? Cause I think I'm all right. I mentioned it earlier. To Bonnie…"  
"Sarah is changing your bandages." She answers boldly.  
He looks away. "Sounds like I don't have much choice in the matter."  
"You don't." she states assertively.  
I find the courage to look up, tightly holding the rag. "Can I change your bandages? I don't it to get infected and…get worse…"  
"Kids like you shouldn't have to do stuff like this…" He sounds sorry, meeting my gaze. I lower my eyes almost immediately, unsure what to say.  
"Shouldn't have to do a lot of things." Clem retorts.  
He sighs. "Alright…let's get it over with. Hopefully it don't scare this little guy…Or you girls."  
"Thank you…I'll try to make this quick." I step closer. When I try to remove the bandage a feeling of nausea arises in me, causing hesitation.  
"It's okay…I trust you." He says to me very softly. "Give her a hand, will you?"  
I watch as Clem circles around him. We take off the bandage together. I gape at the wound openly, though without meaning to. It looks like it must hurt badly…  
"Oh, Kenny…" I hear Clementine when she circles back to the front.  
"So, how does it look?" he asks us. "Am I still gonna be pretty when this heals?"  
"Well, it looks a lot better than it did." Clem looks closer.  
He grins. "Then maybe my modelin' days ain't over."  
When he looks at me I have to turn my head away. "I'm…I'm so sorry."  
"That bad, huh? You ain't got nothin' to apologize for, little one. This wasn't your doin'."  
"I'm still…really sorry that this happened to you." I look over to Clem as she unscrews the top. I lift the rag with both hands and watch as my hands become wet when the peroxide makes contact.  
"So…I'm guessin' this is gonna be the shitty part. Let's do it."  
"It might sting a little…" I say faintly, still a bit grossed out by his wound. He doesn't look at me with anger, only sadness…  
"Ya think?" I feel the warmth of his breath when I move closer. The moment the cloth touches the wound, he retreats back with a groan that makes me jump too. "Holy fuckin' Hell."  
"You need to stop squirming." Clem tells him.  
"It'll be quicker the less you move. I've seen you sit still before, so I know you can do it." I try to offer something like encouragement.  
"Yeah…Yeah, okay. You're right." He looks at me with resolve, bringing his face closer. I reach out again, trying to move gently and quickly as I pat the cloth on the wound. He groans more, but moves less. "Sorry about the language, junior…You're gonna be tougher than me when you're grown. I'm gonna expect you to be more of a gentleman than I am."  
"He'll be tough…just like his dad…I know it. I can feel it." I hear myself mutter.  
"Yeah. Alvin didn't look it…but yeah…that guy had a pair on him." He pauses, sniffles. For a moment I almost swear I see him shrink into himself. "I should've gave myself up…Alvin didn't have to die like that. I'm gonna think about that…every time I look at Alvin Jr. here." His eyes drop to the boy he cradles. "Alvin should be here…Rasin' this boy…It should be him. Not me."  
Just as my eyes lower to the snow I stand on, I feel my hand stop moving. Just for a moment I tame the grief inside of my heart and continue. To him I say, "The best thing any of us can do for Alvin…and Rebecca…is to raise him right. It's the least we owe them."  
"Right…we raise him right and make sure he's safe." Clem concludes. She sticks the bottle in her pocket, squeezing my shoulder again. I have to sniffle back everything that's threatening to fall.  
"I intend to." Kenny tells us, eyeing the trees and the sky around us.  
"Here, I'll take that. You can take this." Clem offers her hand. I pass over the rag and she gives in bandages in return, along with a patch.  
"Thanks…" I turn back to Kenny. He looks at me with seriousness as I rewrap the bandages slowly, working cautiously to not hurt him. When it's all finished I step away and look at him with a smile I can manage. "All done."  
He tries to return it, but can only muster up a grin, to which I'm still thankful for nonetheless. "Thank you, sweetie. I know that was scary and all, but you did good by me…you're just a skittish little thing but you can damn well can get things done just like any of us 'round here, ya hear? You're a good girl. A brave one too."  
"Well, I don't know about that-"  
Clem shakes her head beside me, tapes my shoulder twice. "Don't doubt yourself, Sarah. There's a lot you can do, you just got to believe in you – and if you start with not doubting or putting down yourself you can do that quicker."  
I shrug at her. "Maybe. I guess I can try at least. I did good, so I deserve that praise. I should be proud of me – like that, right?"  
"Right." We exchange smiles again. A giggle bubbles up and escapes me, making me feel grateful to have her as a friend.  
"Are we ready to go?" Bonnie interrupts from behind. Kenny gives a nod. She looks from us to Luke and Mike coming towards us. "Alright, let's head out."  
As we begin to walk again, I feel long arms entrap me. Warmth finds my back. "Good job, kid."  
"Thanks." I lift my head to look at Jane. She let's go, trying to keep her cool rep, but she gives us a wink and we laugh.  
Simple times are always my favorite times.

* * *

Author's Note:

I'm going to try to throw in more random scenes to make up for the original dialogue, since I'm assuming it's getting tiring to reread, just btw. On another note, tell me what you guys think of this Sarah-narrated (kind of) chapter? Did I get her vibe right with the wording and things?  
I'm also going to have Sarah sticking onto Clem's side in most situation with everyone and stealing line for as long as this ends to be real with you lol. You'll have to put up with it just for a bit, until we reach the end and this story can take off from there and she gets her own lines and such, promise! But I did it here with Kenny moreso because I'm all for "Sarah the group medic" au. I know the scene is important for Clem trying to save Kenny and whatnot, but I wanted Sarah to have her first shot at being the doctor.  
About the Nick and his cut marks, I saw a twdg confessions post about someone's canon being Nick is a cutter and it felt really right to me, so I rolled with it. It fits for me, so I hope you all don't mind. If you do, sorry if it caught you off guard or anything. I didn't type it to make anyone feel bad or for anyone to get offended.  
Anyway, that's it from me.

-K.


	5. 05

_**THE WALKING DEAD**_

 _ **CHAPTER: FIVE**_

" _ **Questionable Mentions"**_

When I look in front of me I see her shiver, grabbing herself tight like she's not wearing the coat covering her skin. Her voice momentarily returns again in a sharp, almost inaudible whimper.  
The bad feeling in my gut pokes at me again, as if I don't know her jacket isn't made of much. "…Here. It might be a little warmer this way."  
She looks at my arm hanging lazily around her shoulders and back to me with the biggest stupid grin. The bad feeling is pinching me now, just egging me on to tell her that I'm not her friend. I try to keep reminding myself, to keep reminding her too as I attempt conveying it in my eyes. I don't know if the emotion is present enough for her to see because still she's saying to me… "Thanks. I really hate the cold."  
I nod. I look up. I escape this moment. I can't smile back. I can't be friendly. I am not this girl's best friend, nor her sister. I'm not like Clementine and she isn't like Jaime. I can't let her be weak…and I don't want to make her weak either.  
 _But then again being nice isn't a weakness, right? Just for a bit I can…be this affectionate over someone again, right?_  
I sigh. Debating over this is getting tiring. Being nice isn't a bad thing because knowing how to handle people through that niceness makes you capable (not to mention warm and easy to approach which can help win some hearts if you need to have backup or protection), you need to be soft just as much as you need to be hard to be the real kind of strong, and you have to depend on yourself just much as you depend on others to build yourself you can be the real kind of dependable, end of story. It's just as simple as she said, or at least it should be. It's hard to get that to be fact if it never was for you in the first place. Apart of me can't even contemplate how this kid does it. But if she can be like this and still have people feel she's value and precious to humanity somehow…maybe her truth isn't a bad one to put faith into. Hell, maybe she can even get by as a real leader one day…if only people believed her to be. Or I guess I should say me. But that's stretchin' a bit far, no matter how much I care for her. Still…a girl's gotta have something to believe in, right?  
I feel her cuddle closer. When I look down, she's already eyeing me with that cute little face of stupid wonder that reminds me she really is just a kid. "You're always sighing…what's wrong?"  
I almost laugh. I always forget how kids aren't as stupid as they look. They can pick up on emotional crap a mile away and let it go right over their head if they don't think about it. Too bad she isn't one of those kids who decides not to think about or act on whatever she picks up on…  
"Nothing. I think it's just-"  
My excuse is interrupted (thankfully). "Hey, I'm talkin' to you!"  
"What?" the Russian looks to Kenny, face full of confusion. "It? It what?"  
"What do you mean 'what'? The place you're fuckin' takin' us!" He snaps at him, tone annoyed and impatient.  
He isn't the only one who can point out the obvious and I'm just as annoyed as he is just standing hear listening to him… "He doesn't speak much English."  
"Yeah, no shit!" he barely lets me get a word in – unsurprisingly. "Is that it? I thought you said it was a house."  
"Arvo, is this where the supplies are? Where the food is?" Clem chimes in, her words slowly and clear.  
Kenny levels his gun, points it right to the forehead. "Answer her, goddammit!"  
"No, it's…at the house." The kid peers up at the gun like he can't decide if he's still scared for his life or ready to take one of those bullets in the head. I almost pity him. "Is still more walk. Some more hours."  
"Goddammit. I _knew_ this was gonna happen. This guy fucked us." Kenny is turned to us now. The look in his eye pleads with us to take his side and threatens us all the same. That anger of his…It makes me wonder if he's gonna catch on fire one day from the heat it makes.  
"Thank you." Luke thuds down on one of the logs. He looks exhausted. I frown, wishing I could feel it for him.  
"Don't mention it." Mike words are soft.  
Bonnie approaches. "It's gettin' dark. Maybe we should stop for the night."  
"This is bullshit." Kenny spits at her.  
I try not to roll my eyes. "Relax."  
"Don't tell me to relax. He's lying. He's been lying this whole time." He shoots at me. Is this all he can focus on?  
"You don't fuckin' know that!" Mike starts and the cycle begins yet _again_ …  
"Luke needs a break… We probably all do." Clem says (thank god) before they can go off on each other. She's near him now, looking up at him with firm eyes. Watching her really does make me think she's the only one who can even spark anything in him that'll at least make him listen to what we have to say.  
"Look, I'll do whatever you guys want, okay? But… I could use the rest." Luke tells us. Ours gazes meet when I look over. He can't much manage a smile, but offers me a nod of thanks that makes a few strands of his hair bounce out of place (not that it was neatly in any place to begin with really). It makes me smile…makes me want to stare a little longer…but I don't allow myself to. He might be handsome…and really cute at times, but I know that isn't the point right now. I can't convince Kenny about our safety by arguing my opinion of how cute Luke is.  
"It'd be safer to rest in there… where there's a fence." She looks back at us, her resolve reduced to weariness. "Can we just try and have a calm, quiet night? Please…"  
"That does sound nice." Bonnie says, her voice almost apologetic. She's gazing at Luke like she thinks that strand of hair is cute too…a part of me wishes I could hate her or be jealous like a teenager girl usually would be.  
"Yeah…yeah it does." He agrees, lowers his eyes from the both of us. I catch the hint of guilt in his voice. It makes me lower my eyes too.  
It shifts to Kenny, who nurses the fussy baby in his arms. "Oh shit, sorry about that… it's all right buddy. It's all right."  
"If we're staying, we should scout this place out."  
"Alright, y'all wait here. I'll go make sure this ain't some walker nest we're lockin' ourselves into." He announces to us.  
"I'll go with you." I tell him, relieved he let himself be convinced. I release Sarah from underneath my arm. She grins awkwardly, like she's trying not to pout. I hope in the back of my mind it's from the absence of just warmth.  
"See if…see if you can calm him down. You've known him since he was in the womb, yeah? I assume that'll give 'em some peace of mind or somethin'." He hands the boy off to Sarah. She's careful when she handles him, but the look on her face is uncertainty. She looks to Mike and Luke.  
"No. That's all you." Mike crosses his arms.  
She looks at it, bouncing it as she thinks. When she looks away she turns back with a silly face, sticking her tongue out. He narrows his eyes for a second in confusion before giggling in amusement. I can't help but grin proudly in secret.  
"I wouldn't've guessed that it worked." Mike sounds surprised as he shrugs a shoulder.  
Her smile is the epitome of warmth. "Me neither. I thought he'd end up fussing at me."  
"I think he likes you." Bonnie walks over to her. "Calmed right down for ya."  
"He's cute. Kind of like a doll." She says to her, rocks him some more. I chuckle at the thought as I start to follow Kenny, glad I don't have to worry.  
"Yeah, he is, isn't he? Most babies are pretty ugly this soon after bein' born." I hear Bonnie's voice faintly. I smile to myself, looking down at my leather coat as the memory of cleaning products that tickled my nose and the joyful sobs of my mother come back to me. I can almost feel my dad's hands gripping my shoulders again as we watched her cuddle and kiss the baby girl in her arms. We're both smiling for her then and the thought returns to me…Jaime was way worse than ugly.  
"You gonna pay any goddamn attention here or should I just wear myself a little bell and alert any walkers around that dinner's arrived?" Kenny's voice brings me back. I'm no longer ten. This isn't a delivery room. My family is gone.  
I look up at the face staring at me with irritation. "Don't worry about me, okay? I don't need you checking on me."  
"I wasn't worrying for you. I was worrying about me." He turns back around, comes to a stop in front of the gate. He lowers to fiddle with the lock.  
I cross my arms, narrow my eyes at him. "Don't worry, Kenny. You'll look cute in a little bell necklace. All nice and pretty, decorated like a real meal should be."  
"Yeah, whatever, little girl…" he dismisses me like an afterthought. After a moment he stands back, kicks the gate and curses at the wind. "Why I can't I get this piece of shit open?!"  
"Maybe 'cause we're missing a little thing called a key?" I counter. He flinches around to glare at me in any instant.  
"Well, what the hell are we gonna do then?"  
"Well if this was a hideout for their little crew than maybe…" I start to walk off with a clean direction.  
"The hell is that supposed to mean?" I hear Kenny voice in the distance. I wave it away, go back to the group.  
"Hey, everything all right?" Luke is the first to catch my presence. "Is it safe? Are you okay?"  
My heart flutters just a bit, happy to be one of the focus point of his concern. "We'll know in a sec, but first…"  
Arvo leans away from me when I get in his personal space. Shock and worry washes over his face. "What is it? What do you want?"  
"Keys. Do you have them? They're the thing that opens door, more importantly that gate." I ask in a strict tone. I know the kid's had enough today, but I can't just play nice…  
"I have. In pocket." He looks down, hinting at his jeans.  
"Good, we won't have to jump the fence then…" I move to the side to dig into his pocket. He jumps like I tried to stab him. "Got 'em. Thanks."  
"You are welcome…?" he looks into my eyes with confusion and surprise. I guess he wasn't expecting the gesture…can't say I would be either from people who stole from me.  
"Be back in a bit." I tell the group, starting off again.  
When I reach Kenny, he looks at me angrily with his arms folded. He watches as I open the gate with ease, clicks his tongue and walks in first. I try to remember he's a grown man as I try not to roll my eyes for the thousandth time.  
"This shithole better be fuckin' safe, I swear…" he stalks forward, going further into the place. He looks with sharp eyes.  
"Do I lock it?" I call out.  
"No, you idiot! Now, quit hollerin'. If there's anything in here you're gonna get us killed."  
"Well, screw you too…" I say under my breath, let the chain fall.  
He waits until I'm beside he to speak. "Not much to go over. You take the that this and I'll handle this one, sound like a plan?"  
"Sounds more like an order, but sure. Don't get killed. Scream if you see anything." I go off to the left.  
"I'd rather not risk soundin' like a little girl, unlike someone. I don't need no help, I can fight off monsters on my own." He says, retreating to his side.  
"Grey hair and all, but he still acts like some stupid kid…" I say to myself as I check the area. "I can't even believe I'm bickering with someone like him in the first place."  
As I mutter complaints, I search half-heartedly. He was right, there really isn't much to check and I doubt lurkers would be hiding under any of these small rocks.  
I kick one over absently, earning an immediate reaction. I jump into a stance automatically from the sound, eyes darting to the source of a fierce groan that doesn't stop or quiets. A lurker stares me right back at me, chomping his teeth and groaning louder. It takes a moment for me to question why it's not acting on his intense hunger and frustration. Then my brain finally realize it: the damn thing is trapped in the electric tower. I relax a bit, catch myself.  
"My side is clear, how are thing over – Fuckin' hell!" Kenny falls over in fear when he's greeted by a powerful groan. I chuckle.  
"Don't worry. This guy won't be jumpin' to get a bite out of you any time soon."  
"Then why the hell haven't you killed the damn thing?" he stands, wipes snow from his bottom. "Ain't no point in wastin' time just to watch the thing. You're just usin' up time for everyone out over there to meet their death."  
"Yeah, yeah." I wave away his words as I fish for my knife. I walk beside it, watching as it grunts and groans. Within the moment the walker goes silent, no longer trying to reach for things it can't have. My heart tries to feel sorrow for him, but I let it pass unnerved. It's just another walker, no need to feel sorry if I'm putting it out of its misery… "No more starving and wasting here for you…that's gotta be better than wander and waiting for your meals, yeah?"  
Kenny hacks out a dry laugh. "Please. You mean no more causin' good enough people to sit here and be scared over over-eatin' sonuvabitches like himself."  
"That too…" I say quietly. I might not be able to shake off guilt as quickly as I wish I could (yet), but at least my people are safe.  
We walk back to the group in awkward silence. When we reach them, their eyes find us the second we're in sight.  
"Come on. It's safe." Kenny proclaims. They all get to their feet, move closer. I wait until they pass me by to remind myself, like that walker, they'll die one day. And I shouldn't keep getting attached to that…

* * *

Author's Note:

I ship Bonnie and Mike, while also shipping Jane and Luke, but my canon is that Bonnie also likes Luke at this very moment in time. It's also cannon in the game lol, but ya know… There'll be no girl fights over Luke I promise, so don't worry. I just wanted to stir up some emotional drama in Jane. Girls can usually realize if a friend (or someone they in the very least acquainted themselves with) likes someone they like too, so I figured she'd end up knowing even if she wasn't in that bonfire scene at first. Anyway, more to come! Sorry this one is a bit shorter than the rest.

-K.


	6. 06

_**THE WALKING DEAD**_

 _ **CHAPTER: SIX**_

" _ **Remorseful Reminders"**_

The warmth of the fire is like a hug from an old friend when it reaches the chilled sections of my flesh and heart. It reinsures me, bringing forth new hope in new friends and I almost laugh at myself when we end up circle around it. I never knew I needed people this much. I could've never guessed I would've missed warmth this much – the warmth of fire or people. But I guess surprises are around every corner now, and I might as well get use to expectin' em.  
"Today's my birthday… Near as I can tell at least." Luke announces to us, a pinch of actual joy in his voice.  
Bonnie's gaze finds him. A genuine smile of delight touches her kind, tired illuminated face. It touches her like it touches me and suddenly we're all smiles. "Well, happy birthday, Luke."  
"Yeah, man. Happy birthday." I say to him, like a carbon copy, but the gesture gotta be worth somethin'. His bright eyes tell me it is.  
"How can you even tell?" Clementine is asking from his side, eyebrow rose playfully.  
His answer is all but playful. "Been keeping track of the days… there've been a few times I wasn't sure I'd see my next birthday."  
"Well, ya did it." Kenny tells Luke, willing to not be an ass for once. The old man grins like a true trooper.  
"Guess that's, uh, worth celebratin'." Luke says, eyeing the fire carefully. In that moment he reminds me of my brother*, acting a kid who can't tell his parents he wants to have a party for his birthday. It makes me cough up a dry chuckle when I remember he isn't here.  
Bonnie's sweet voice takes away the bitter aftertaste, pulls me out of the grey zone between safe and painful memories. "So, that makes you, what? 27?"  
"That's… that's right. I'm surprised you remembered. Sure as hell feel a lot older." He replies to her. A flicker of heartbreak passes in her eyes and it damn near breaks me. Our private talks come back to me in hazy pictures in my mind. The thought crosses me: How could she forget the birthday of someone she loved?  
"Don't even start with that shit." Kenny is on him in a second. For a moment I wonder about the old man and his age…his life before now and what led to those grey hairs.  
Luke's face lowers. He can't hide his pain from the flames. "Got outta college five years ago… feels like a million years. At least I don't have to worry about payin' off them student loans."  
He sure as hell got that right. The nightmare of student loans is opened like a can of sardines. I fade between memories of working manual labor jobs to help my brother pay off his and mine. I was never able to finish paying even half of mine despite paying off his even with the help of our folks.  
"I hear that. I'm sure there's some asshole sittin' on that paperwork… waitin' to collect." I joke.  
It gets a humorous grin from Luke at least. "Probably."  
"I'd have liked to go to college." Bonnie's voice is hushed, regretful. I try to picture her before all this, just a young woman getting ready on her first day of college. An image of her dressed in less skin-covering clothes with the brightest of hopeful smiles on her beautiful face tease me.  
"I really liked school. What did you study?" Sarah's eyes shine at the subject that makes me miss it myself, all the bad and good that came of it.  
"Just a waste of money…" Kenny mutters. It isn't loud, but it isn't exactly quiet.  
"Well the major in art history hasn't helped too much these last few years I can't lie." Luke says, amused, but there isn't a shred of remorse in his voice at least.  
" _That_ sounds _cool_." She says, impressed. Her eyes glitter and sparkle.  
"Sounds like you majored in workin' in a coffee shop." Kenny says, amused.  
"Pretty much." Luke replies simply, like he could just laugh at his younger self. He flashes Sarah a cool grin. "In any case, thanks, Sarah. I'm glad someone thinks it is."  
"Oh, stop it, Kenny – he probably earned the best tips anyway, so it was probably worth it." Bonnie teases. Smiles and short laughs get passed around between us. The warmth of being able to make casual conversation washes over all of us briefly. We find peace in one another for a moment.  
"Did get a major in agriculture actually. Keep the old man happy." Luke's face returns to being serious.  
 _The thought of his parents must've snagged at him, poor guy…_  
"Oh, I almost forgot! Was savin' it for a special occasion and… well, it bein' your birthday and all… figure…" Bonnie fishes out a scarlet bottle from her backpack, a smirk brightening her weary, beautiful face. "This's as good a time as any."  
"Do you think that's a good idea?" Sarah asks, eyeing the bottle worriedly. She's gotta be recallin' somethin' nasty by that look in her eyes.  
Bonnie sighs. "Sarah, after the day we've had… I think it's the best idea I got."  
I look at her a moment, really look. I can almost feel the stress eatin' at her. She looks over to me like she knew I'd be watching. For a moment I question if the glint that passed in her eyes was interest or tiredness. I silently hope for interest. "I'd agree with that. It's been too long of a day…"  
"I think she's just sayin' take it easy." Kenny concludes, being rewarded with a small smile from Sarah.  
"Yeah." Luke nods, reaches to pet her head. "Don't worry, munchkin. I promise it won't turn out like it did with Nick… I won't let it. You've got my word. No scary anger freak outs or long episodes of crying too loudly for anyone to get any damned peace. Just a little fun."  
"Don't forget your promise…" she looks at him. She doesn't believe of lick of it, but she won't fight him on it.  
"So, where did you get that anyway?" Clem chimes in, as curious as a cat.  
Bonnie stays honest with her. "Bill kept all the alcohol in the armory. He didn't like people… imbibing."  
"What's that mean?" she asks, confused.  
"Drinking. He… he didn't think people should drink." Luke answers. It turns quiet as the look in his eyes turn sad. "Feel a little guilty takin' the first…"  
"Whoa, wait. You gotta make a toast." Bonnie encourages him. Her gentle features sing masterpieces crafted of her love and care as she looks at him. I try not to harp on it. Ain't no good gonna come from school boy jealous or school boy crushes right now…  
"I'm not really the, uh…" Luke's eyes meet hers awkwardly.  
"Come on, birthday boy. It don't have to be fancy." I can hear that gentle grin resting on her lips.  
 _I know what I said and yet still here I am, interrupting atmosphere's…_  
"A toast means we all got somethin' to drink." Her eyes find me. She raises an eyebrow.  
"We can just pass the bottle around afterwards. Go on." They go right back to Luke.  
He begins, bottle raised and voice projected… "To the loved ones that we've lost along the way… and to the hope that we see them again… someday."  
"Here, here." I cheers.  
"That was real nice." Her accent calls to him.  
I catch Sarah lower her head, watch as Clementine lean her head on Sarah's shoulder for support. I look away when I see my brother in her. I almost wish I was drunk.  
"Yeah? I didn't mean for it to rhyme, that was…" Luke doesn't finish his sentence. Before anyone can speak next, Kenny prepares to escape.  
"Well, I got first watch."  
"I think the fence's got us pretty secure." I try to reach out to him. I prefer him in this state of being, outside himself and human again…  
"We can't be too sure." He doesn't even turn to face me.  
"The baby might be cold." Bonnie is trying too. She knows too… rare opportunities like these have to be made with people like him and, even if we have to force it, he's needs to let himself escape from all this sometimes. It's the only way to stay sane now.  
"Nah, I'll keep him warm. He's a tough little guy." He rejects, not aggressively but determined nonetheless.  
Clem is in on it now too. "I can take it."  
It rejects her too. "Nah, you stay warm."  
"Please, Kenny… Just sit a little longer." Sarah adds in along with us. I wonder how different this sight of him must look through her eyes.  
"It'll be alright. Just keep close to that there fire…you girls need to keep warm. You're just tiny little things." He looks away.  
"Sarah, Clem… Just let him go." Bonnie orders, defeat trailing her words.  
He turns to look at us for a moment, but doesn't let us read any emotions in his face or eyes. "I'm gonna post up near the entrance over there. Holler if you need anything."  
We watch him go until he's out of sight. Luke takes a swig. The kids look at each other and shrug. I follow Bonnie's gaze to Jane, watch her open her mouth to call to her. "Fire's real nice. Plenty of room if you wanna get warm."  
"Maybe in a bit." Jane calls back, stance stiffening from the sudden attention.  
"I didn't expect her to come back. Just when I thought I got her figured out, she up and surprises." Bonnie shares.  
"It's a good thing. She saved our asses." I tell her, prop my leg up to get more comfortable.  
"I know, I know, I just… don't know what she's getting' outta all of this."  
The look on Clem's face becomes conflicted. "We're lucky to have her… I'm glad she's back."  
"Me too. I think she's been really lonely until now… and I don't want her to be lonely anymore." Sarah's voice is faint and caring. The look in her eyes show strong resolve. It makes me curious about how she judges character. Could it be different from Clementine's? From our's?  
"Well, she helped us back there. So that puts her as okay in my book." Luke speaks up.  
"Well, it ain't no secret how you feel about her." Bonnie says boldly. I stare, questioning her braveness. The look on Luke's face makes her retract her statement. "Oh, come on. I'm just teasin'."  
"It was stupid." He looks away from her, ashamed and belittled.  
I watch Bonnie's face morph into something apologetic and envious with a mix rejection and despair. You can tell she didn't mean to bring her down. She never does, never ever on purpose. "I understand. She's a pretty girl… once you get past all the dirt and guts."  
"I don't know… I guess I just… wanted to forget about all this shit for, like, ten minutes." Luke tries to explain, sounding dejected. Someone like him, he could never break a heart for fun. I can at least be thankful for that.  
I try to lighten the tone. That look on her face is like a jagged, unclean steel rod to the heart. I can't let such a woman walk around with that look on her face. "Ten minutes? Man, that's longer than I'd last at this point."  
"Hey!" she's lookin' at me with a spirited grin lifting the corners of her lips once again. I offer a mocking smile. I was hopin' for more of a laugh, but that'll have to do it. As long as it could give her back her spirit.  
"Alright, alright, it wasn't ten minutes…" Luke says, embarrassed somewhat but willing to play the field.  
"Come on. We got little ones around." Bonnie tucks strands of dusk and burning read behind her ear shyly, but regains her playful look. I take a moment to stare into her eyes. She meets my gaze with feisty eyes.  
 _Amusement is universal, but the excitement of subtle flirtation? …Exclusively shared, however individually manipulated._  
She breaks the gaze first, lowers it to the fire dancing for us and I remind myself her well-being is enough for me. "Sorry. Wasn't thinkin'. Forget I said anything."  
"It's my fault for bringin' it up." She tells me.  
"I know what you guys are talking about…" Sarah is watching us with intent eyes, big and careful.  
"I certainly hope not." Bonnie looks to her, voice stern yet light.  
Sarah blinks, pushing her red glasses up matter-a-factly. "You're talking about kissing stuff."  
"Uh, yeah! Yes. Yes, that… that is exactly it." Luke is quick to say.  
"That's gross." Clem comments beside her, nose scrunching up and eyebrows knitting together with disgust.  
Bonnie nods. "Yes, Clem. We shouldn't be talkin' about it."  
I can't help but take the bait. " _Was_ there any kissing?"  
"You shut your mouth, right now. The both of you." Bonnie scolds, looking from me to him. He just grins up at her, getting that 'kids are kids' look in his eyes. I shake my head. Bonnie is looking at Jane again. "Maybe she came back for you…"  
"Could be." I say. It is possible after all… hell, it wouldn't surprise me if that was just the case after all.  
"I don't know what to say to that." Luke's words are slow, quiet.  
"I'd come back for you…" Clem says with a smile of loyalty. An awkward silent pause passes before she says, "You know what I mean."  
"Thank you, Clem. I'd do the same." He returns the smile with a friendly grin.  
"Maybe she likes him?" Sarah says eagerly, just like a little girl who's been reading too many romance books.  
"Oh, I think we can bet on that." I begin. "'Cause you see here… Luke's here a regular Cassanova." I tease.  
"Hey. Shut up." His smile to me is also friendly and good-natured. A heartbreaking playboy with good intent and too-nice-not-to-fall-for gestures who doesn't even want to admit it… He's a good guy by all means, despite it. At least he knows and can joke about it, for what it's worth.  
"Don't be modest. Your moves are workin' on all the ladies." I half-heartedly joke.  
"…worked on me." Bonnie swings back her head, tilting her wrist at the angle of premature rejection. She doesn't realize what she says until the bottle is lowered. She wears a face of surprise before it's lowered into her hand. "Shit. I just did it too, didn't I? Sorry… it's the drink talkin'."  
She's looking at Luke now, like she needs to be sorry. Like she truly knows she shouldn't have uttered it so early.  
"They say a drunk man's talk is a sober man's thoughts." I mutter. She looks at me for a moment, somewhat thankful and somewhat regretful. Then she remembers to breath. Remembers this is just like some little campfire. Remembers it's okay to be her and that she can say whatever the hell she wants because she's got a friend near to take the sting off her words. She lifts an eyebrow.  
"Well, I ain't a man, so 'they' can take that shit somewhere else." I shrug, looking at Luke. I really am happy to be a mood maker, when possible. We sit in our own silences for a moment, captivated by our own private thoughts and matters at hand. Then Bonnie is standing, moving towards the girls. "You girls go see if you can get Jane and Kenny over by the fire. It's too cold for them to be out there like that. Oh, and here… maybe a swig of this will change their minds."  
Clem takes the bottle, looks over at the lonely back of Jane. Sarah tugs her arm. "Can we go together? I don't want to face either of them alone…not yet. Not now."  
"Okay. Come one, let's go." She smiles. They go off on their mission just like that, going straight across to Jane first.  
Bonnie takes her seat. "Think they'll come on over?"  
"Maybe. Maybe not. They ain't exactly the sing-y song-y group by the campfire type." Luke shrugs.  
"Good thing we sent the children to butter them up then." I say.  
Bonnie lowers her head, worry lines crease her skin. "I hope Jane will come and join us. I…I was hopin' it wouldn't get this awkward really."  
"Don't worry. She's not a kid." He chuckles at her statement.  
It takes me a minute to realize she's staring at her before I look over to her again. She blinks. "What do you think 'bout it?"  
"She'll come if she wants to keep her ass from freezin' off, that's what I think." I note. She sighs. "Really, Bonnie… don't worry about it. Even if she doesn't come… I know it won't always be this awkward."  
"Thanks. That's nice of you to say and all…sure as hell hope you're right." I looks at them with distant eyes.  
"I am if you stop think' so much." I counter. She glares in the instant, though it's a soft and frisky glare. "Thinkin' about all this bullshit too much…won't do you any good. It'll only get that head of yours hurtin', and that won't be doin' you or anyone else any good."  
"Sure…I got it." Her eyes are bashful and understanding. I catch it just as she looks away.  
Stealing her attention is Jane, who approaches uneasily. We stare, waiting for her to speak. When she doesn't, Bonnie lifts from her seat.  
"Wanna sit here?"  
 _A gesture of good faith and offer of a treaty…_  
"No, that's… I'm fine." Jane comes to sit near me, folds her knees to her chest. Bonnie lowers, a frown denting her lips.  
"Oh, yeah, okay. Wherever you like."  
We sit in silence again, plagued by awkwardness. That is, until Luke clears his throat.  
"Glad to have ya join us, Jane… Better than standin' out there in that snow for now, am I right?"  
She shrugs. "Mostly. Yeah."  
"You'll warm up quicker if you sit a little closer. Don't gotta be so far…" Bonnie adds.  
"Nah, I'm good. Heat's alright from here." She pauses. "But…thank you, Bonnie."  
"Ain't no thing…" a smile creeps upon the older woman's face as she lowers her eyes.  
I sit adoring her with a lazy, drunken stare before I add my hand in regrouping and mood making. "So, I just gotta know. Was there any kissing between the two of you?"  
Jane's chuckle is light. Bonnie smile is more easy and relaxed. "Jane, you don't have to justify that with a response…"  
"Hey, I find it's best to just get this stuff out in the open. Less drama." I say honestly.  
Sarah is the first to wander back over to us, a cheerful smile on her small face. Clem stalks behind her, coming to sit down too.  
"Well, that's fine. But I can conform there was no time for kissing." Jane says, her voice low and lively. Luke rubs his head, turns his face away from us. I know he's grinning though, I can feel it. I laugh.  
Bonnie lifts her index finger to her puckered lips. "Shh. Shh. Alright, enough of that. Hey, girls."  
"It's nice to hear people laughing." Clem sighs peacefully.  
"Yeah. It is…" Kenny agrees next to her.  
"I like it. It's nice." Sarah smiles to him.  
Luke looks at the children. "You just spend so much time tryin' to stay alive that… you don't get a chance to enjoy livin'." He summarizes.  
"Yeah… we need to make more time for that." Bonnie shakes her head.  
"Alcohol helps." Luke smirks.  
"Hell yeah it does." Bonnie exchanges smiles with Jane.  
I catch a familiar sound. Crying. Clem hears it too. We eye the crying Russian boy not far from us, tied up as he always seems to be. I can't take it.  
 _To be grieving all alone like that…_  
"Let me get that bottle. We got someone else that might need some help."  
The shortest of the girls hands me the bottle. Kenny glares up at the scene. "Sounds like a waste of good rum."  
"He lost his sister today…" Bonnie's voice is almost like she's pleading for his humanity.  
"And whose fault was that?" he moves his glare onto her.  
"That makes it even harder to deal with…trust me." Jane says to him.  
It's Clem's turn to sigh now. "Kenny, please… don't ruin a nice night."  
"I said my piece." Kenny sneers, goes back to AJ.  
"Of course you did, you always do…" I find myself mumbling as I walk off. Bonnie's voice comes in pieces. The sounds of my feet crushing snow feels louder as I approach Arvo with slow, cautious steps. His sobs become louder.  
"Hey. I just wanted to-"  
"Leave me alone!" he spits at me the moment he realizes my presence.  
I step back, try to show him I'm safe. "Sorry, okay? My fault, I shouldn't have…"  
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" he shouts each words clearly, chest puffing.  
I lower my hands. This isn't what he wants…not to be left alone right now in this moment or in this world… I know this because I've felt this suffering before, way before any of these damn walkers came.  
His face falls back against the cold steel. He begins to speak in Russian once more. I lower to on my ankles so I'm directly in his eyesight, try to show him I won't leave him. That I will not hurt him and that he is free to grieve, but that he doesn't have to alone.  
"It's okay… It's okay… she's in a better place now." I tell him softly. I pick up words like Natasha and sister. "It's okay…It's okay…"  
He shakes his head at me. "Is not okay…My sister…Not okay…Not…"  
He continues in Russian. I fall back, sitting. When he looks up at me, the fear in his eyes is big and powerful. He is all alone in this world now and he can really feel it.  
 _An absence of kin… Dammit._  
**I recall the death of my mother and the years of pain I watched my brother and father sit through. The memories are washed over by the rum. When I offer it to Arvo, he looks at me with deep mourning and I remember that it hasn't even been a whole day for this kid yet.  
"Thank…you." He tells me after I've fed him the alcohol.  
I nod. "It's alright. Sleep. I won't let anyone get to you tonight."  
"Thank you." He says again, eyes tearing up. He turns his face away from me as he cries.  
"You'll need some sleep too… I'll keep first watch." Bonnie says, sliding down the wall and onto the snow.  
"Sorry… I know it's warmer by the fire." I say to her, taking another long gulp from the bottle.  
She takes it away, takes a long drink from it too. "It doesn't burn like that heart of yours though, now does it?"  
"I'm not drunk enough to handle you being cheesy." I smile to her. She will be my last hope for humanity in this drunken state tonight and him my last plea for the end of a anti-villian.

* * *

Author's Note:

Ya know, I forgot all about the hole in the fence and Sarah's broken leg. Sorry about that. I'd like to just play it off as a sprained ankle, if you don't mind. That way she can still walk – she'll just be limping when she does. I know it's lazy and unfaithful to the plot change, but I've already written past it. I think it'd get more confusing if I tried to squeeze it in now…same thing with the fence. I already wrote it without keying in that factor; it'd be too awkward to go rewrite the previous chapters to fit it. Though, this might change in the future. Never know. It might bug me enough that I go back and change it. I usually do this with my stories that aren't on ff. Idk.  
*The brother I mention of Mike's is Ralph. I heard he was actually going to be Mike, but the idea was scrapped? I was gonna do that too, but Mike doesn't seem like the type to be a small gang of looters to me. So, he ended up his brother. I thought it'd make for an interesting story, since it's never said that he was dead and I just wanted to make something out of that. I've got no idea where I'm gonna take this brother idea though. I might use it in the future, might not. It'd be a waste though, so I will probably end up using it lol.  
**I'm not even sure where this came from lol. Random cannon for me tbh. I like it tho…and I read something about someone else's cannon about being Bonnie being from a one parent household (in their case it was mother-only) and I thought, if Mike has lost a parent too, that that could be their main reason to be able to form a strong connection. Plus, Mike's backstory is way too empty for my liking. Idk if he's even experienced loss during all this or is he just some guy? Like, why didn't he get a backstory when he's so great? Butyeah, so I made up a backstory and he can identify with Arvo and everyone else. Opinions?

-K.


	7. 07

_**THE WALKING DEAD**_

 _ **CHAPTER: SEVEN**_

" _ **Solace in Salvation"**_

One minute I'm sleeping. Nightmare upon nightmare grips me in a tight hold, causing unnerving ripples of panic and fear. The next minute I'm awake. There isn't any breath in my lungs and my world is even more unstable than my nightmares.  
I don't know where I am. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I'm alive and why anything is and how anything goes. Especially how to breathe when I hear the girl beside me, just a few years below me in age, telling me to take deep breaths.  
I shut my eyes for the fear of nothingness, pray it goes away.  
"Sarah, it's okay. I'm here, you're okay. You're safe and not alone and it's really, really okay now, okay?" she's saying to me. She tries to make sure I'm looking at her as she demonstrates the act of breathing. I do my best to follow her movements and gestures, only catching short amounts of air in my lungs with every poorly done inhale. After a while I remember, remember everything that's happening up until now and tears are pouring out of my eyes again.  
It's not that I have nothing. It's not that I am nothing. It's just that I'm alone and that I'm myself again. The same ugly, dramatic, and diminishing self I've always known, an erupting explosion of extremity set to go off at the end of the world where nothing can hurt me, but I can hurt everything else around me.  
I feel like a cry baby. The warmth of her gestures handles me like I'm just another human, reminds me that I'm not at the end of the world anymore and she's cradling this bomb-me despite the incoming explosions.  
She rubs my back with steady carefulness as if she had done it before. Despite how nice it feels, all I can think about it how it just feels like she's rubbing her hands in the mess of me leftover. Not to clean it up, but to toy in it. I try to tell myself not to believe it. Clementine isn't like those girls from before all this. She isn't like those teacher…  
"Okay…that's good. Just breathe and get all that crying out, okay? You'll feel better soon."  
I shake my head roughly, clasping on to my chest. My feels as if its shattering into pieces again. A late explosion to accompany the first like an aftershock. Things will not be better soon. How could they be?  
"C-Clem…I can't…I can't push them away. They won't stay…they won't stay locked away. I can't do it. I don't know how to keep them locked away like you do." I try to say to her, hoping she understands through my harsh sobs and cracked voice.  
She nods understandingly, a reminder that the shellshock doesn't reflect on her outsides. "That's okay, you don't have to. It might be better for you if you don't lock away your emotions and memories. I'm sorry that I told you to. If you can't do it, than you just can't do it and there's nothing wrong with that."  
I shake my head harder, gulping down air. My hand is hurting from gripping my shirt so tightly, but I have to figure out how to word this so she really gets it. This isn't okay. I am not okay.  
"I'm so stupid, making you apologize over a suggestion. And it's not even that hard, but Clem…I just can't. These feelings they keep overflowing inside and leaking out of me and hurting me and making everything else hurt me. I keep trying to collect them like you told me and put them back, but I really can't. It's just…so stupid. I keep feeling everything…everything around me, all this pain and sadness and grief from all this death – and not just from myself, Clem. It's everyone else too…I keep feeling it, all their bad and scary emotions. It hurts so much. Everyone is so hurt and hopeless. I don't want anyone to be this hurt anymore. It hurts so much…every time…no one says it, but I can _feel_ it. Even you…I can sense it even with you, no matter how much you hide it and it makes me hurt so much _for_ you and everybody else too. But I can't make it stop. It just keeps hurting."  
I hear her sigh heavily as I wipe my tears, drastically still trying to get more air in my lungs as my eyes start to hurt. My effort isn't enough. She's rubbing my back still. Slower, speaking softer. "It's not stupid, Sarah. I think that you just feel things more than other people…or I guess sense it too, right? I guess other people don't do that often – don't feel things for other people that much and I think don't really want to, so they try their best not to. I think that's a really special ability, not stupid at all. I even think that it's really admirable of you, to feel everything for everyone when they don't let themselves feel anything. Its not good to ignore your feelings, so its good someone is around so none of us can forget that. But it must really hurt if you feel it physically too, right?"  
I nod hard, shut my eyes tighter. My heart is dying in individual sections now, the explosion setting it ablaze. "It hurts so much. I hate this, all of this, but especially death. It's not like I haven't known death before, but god, Clem…it wasn't like this before. It never hit _so_ _much_. I don't know what to do. I've never been so close to it…What do I do?"  
"I think it has to be different for you. My way probably isn't your way too. I think you'd have to deal with death differently…especially if it touches you different than it does me and everyone else." Her tone is unsure and quiet. Almost directionless, but I know I can't expect Clementine to have dealt with someone like me or this situation before. I can't expect her to have all the answers. She's just a little kid, just like me…  
Whatever she doesn't know she guesses at until someone comes to give her the answers if anyone comes at all, just like little kids should do.  
I remove my glasses, clutch them tight enough in my hand to break as I smear my face against my jacket sleeve. Her hand pauses for me and she offers a quiet, apologetic smile. It takes a long while before I can lift my face again, even longer to speak. I can't unclench the hand holding my shirt and in the meanwhile she takes my glasses, cleans what's left of them.  
"You know, I think I'd rather feel it all…I mean…I know it hurts a lot and probably always will. No matter what, this is going to hurt. Death will always hurt. But in a way…I'd rather feel it all than not be able to feel anything at all." I take a deep, shaken breath. "I'm alive if I can feel. I know it, I am definitely alive and lucky to feel everything while I'm still alive. Even if it hurts so bad…I'm alive. I can feel life in me, and around me. I can feel it in others and in things. That's got to be worth something…"  
She gives a single nod, place familiarity back into life itself when she sits those glasses back in my hand. "Kind of like…the world will know you are an emotional being when you cry at it and you'll know it's alive to hear you as long as you can cry, right? That's a cool thought, Sarah. I like it…and I think it will help you in a way. To keeping being…or something like that."  
I think of her statement in pieces, looking at my now shaking hands holding red glasses. I flex them, fold the fingers and outstrech them, watching in silence. They remind me of my dad's rough hands, only missing the size and dirty nails. For the first time I realize how the similar hand lines make up for that. I find the strength to smile for real, despite the tears damping my face still and lingering pain that wont let me forget his death. The sensation of his warmth holding my hands as he explains how he's leaving with promises of food when he returns makes the pain almost barable.  
This isn't sadness. This is physical memories come to help me. To give me company and lend me strength, like all these people I've come to know.  
"Yeah…I think that's really cool too. The world will know that I am still human. Still alive …alive and real and…human. That I am someone, a daughter to someone even, and I can still feel anything or everything. Like humans should. So, I'll cry and cry and cry…and probably cry some more, because I'm still alive. I can still cry over something that meant everything or anything to me and protect my special memories. Everyone else's too, even with the pain. And that's important, definitely. I know it is…it _has_ to be."  
Her brown hand falls over mine, squeezes it with support. It shakes too, like solid fear, but her eyes leak crystal droplets like thankfulness. A thought passes, questioning if I'm one of the factors that helps her to keep feeling human. "It will be important if you want it to be and that's all that matters, right? But, hey, Sarah…if you don't mind, can I cry with you sometimes? I don't…I don't want to forget to stay human, or to not let this situation in the world keep my from feeling. I never want to forget emotions and people and memories, or I'll be just like those things with only a stupid one track minds."  
I reach over to wipe her tears carefully, my hand squeezing hers so hard I'm surprised she isn't saying anything. I find a smile tucked away in the pain of being human. "Of course you can, Clem. Although I really can't control it sometimes, I'd rather not be crying in front of anyone else if it isn't you. Best friends know how to keep the secret about how ugly my face looks when crying, after all."  
"Thanks, I think." She lowers her head shyly, wipes her face somewhat as she takes a calming deep breath. "I'm really happy that we're best friends, Sarah."  
"Me too. I think the sun is coming up though, think we should get up now?" I lift my head to the overcasting sun, feel it's rays bathing me in a warmth only nature could make as it glow deep oranges and yellows in the oranged skies.  
"It beats going back to sleep and seeing the nightmares." She begins to stand. I follow her lead. We turn backwards, catch a glimpse of frowning faces in deep, spellbound sleep. I frown, their emotions radiating off them into the atmosphere. They send distress signals out to anyone who'll respond to them. I'm reminded the misery likes to keep company yet again.  
I take another deep, hollow breath; feel the chill all the way down my lungs. When I look at Clementine, I remember the charm of mine that can reverse the pain from the inside out, at least a little.  
I smile. My red glasses go over my face with precision. "You're right…being alive, even in this really bad situation, is better than being in those nightmares, or one of them. I know for sure I'm alive and who to trust to be alive out here. I never know in there."  
I feel her eyes find me, feel the depleting belief in them that causes her to just nods at first. Then she returns her face to the setting sun before us and wipes up whatever is left of her tears. "Thank you…for reminding me what it's like to be alive. To have a real friend even. I think I really need that sometimes. Even though I don't want to be treated like some useless kid...feeling like one isn't so bad every once and a while."  
"I want to think everyone needs that sometimes," I tell her, tone uplifted with the sun despite the weakness surrounding it like the sky. "That's why…while you work on being everyone's Lee, I'll work on being everyone's Sarah. And like that we'll keep our family strong and loved."  
"Good…because you're probably right: everyone will probably need a Sarah to love them so they can remember the good feelings to fight off the bad feelings." Her voice is gentle against the cold breeze that passes. It doesn't pass through us any longer, but around us and for a moment I think the warmth of her human hand is enough to make the world more stable again. Even if it's just for today. Even if it's just for right now. Friendship can ground us. Love can steady us. Like this, we can stay alive.

"A summersault, why would I need to know how to do that?" she's questioning, she eyes me with sharp confusion. I can see her wheel turning in her head, trying to work out the best possible answer before I can say it.  
I grumble, eyebrows knitting together as we stalk toward a figure smaller than myself. This isn't something I thought I'd have to explain. "Well…it's like this…what if a zombie is chasing you, and even though there's an opening right in front of you, you need to summersault or cartwheel or flip over whatever was blocking you from it?"  
"Couldn't I just step over it? I'm bigger, so I wouldn't need to do any of that." She ruffles through her short hair. This isn't a real question she's asking to get an answer, she just wants me to think about the scenario and the chances of it.  
I shake my head at her. "No way! The thing is big, bigger than you even, but there are openings. Like a really small ones, but big enough for you to get through."  
"Okay, okay, so I summersault through one of them. Who's to say that helps me survive against the walker?"  
"I never said it did…" my eyes drop to the snow. I see Clem's familiar shoes in them and look up to her. We exchange smiles of hope. "But it gives you more time to figure how you can. Right, Clem?"  
"Right!" she nods, now looking to Jane. "And that's why we're going to do some physical training, starting now."  
A grin creeps on Jane's older, prettier face. She rolls her eyes, as if this was cutely childish. She gives her hands a single, solid clap. "Alright, let's do this then. You guys teach me some summersaults and cartwheels, and I can teach you my own physical training techniques: fighting."  
"But I don't want to fight…I don't want to use violence on anyone." I frown, gazing up at her tall being. One of her hands comes falling against my hair, rubs it gently.  
"I know, kiddo," she's saying softly. "I won't teach you to fight to kill first…just to fight to protect and stall."  
"Really?" I feel a smile stretching my lips. I take her hand, excited to know there was more than one kind of fighting.  
She gives a nod. "'Course. I can even teach you how to fight and not hurt someone too badly if you want. I'm real good at it."  
"Did you take a class for it?" Clem chimes in.  
She nods to Clem too. "Yep, with this old guy who me and all the other brats called Sensei. I did it with Jaime, because she didn't want me to beat up the kids who pushed her around – she promised me she'd learn to do it herself to keep me from handling it…I had almost forgotten all about that."  
We stand in silence, watching Jane's face morph into strained sadness. I squeeze her hand, almost feel myself draw in her sadness. "…Well, thank you for teaching us, Jane. It'll be good. You can sharpen up your skills and teach us something, like, super important."  
Her smile is sad, but I tell she's thankful to have someone to teach and practice with again. I know, from the glow in her dark eyes as she looks down on us one at a time. "Right…you're right…So, let's get started. Show me how I'm supposed to do this rolling thing. Jaime always got so fussy at me when I couldn't do it right when we were kids."  
"Well, this is the position you have to do before the roll. If you don't do it, you'll end up falling funnily." I tell her, crouching down. She lowers with us as we show her the stance of folding in and tucking your head carefully.  
She follows along with Clem beside me. She can mimic the position, but falls over to the side when rolling. Me and Clem laugh when we have to teach her about not rushing the speed of the flow. As if being drawn to laughter and joy, the group shuffles over in quick response. We teach them too and the morning is spent like this in good company. We take pieces of our pasts from each other, coming to learn something from every one of us. The only two people excluded from this lesson is Kenny, by choice, and our newest member.  
Bonnie instructs me not to look at him, to return to our lesson in knife wielding. Every so often I find myself sparing a glance. The first thing I feel when our eyes meet is shame. I can still recall the face of his friend, now both alive and dead. When Clementine comes to take my attention again, I wonder if she can remember the faces too and if that's why her eyes never fall on the weeping boy.

Author's Note:

Greetings, reader. Sorry about the long delay in updates. School has started back up and I've been working on getting back use to doing homework again. I was also struggling with how I wanted to end this, as the possibilities could go in any one direction, but I have decided. I think it'll turn out interestingly for the most part, now I only have to struggle with getting to it. Hope this was a good read, sorry that it's a short chapter. As always, thanks for reading.  
On a side note, the beginning felt a bit too mature considering it is a conversation between children, butttttttt honestly the game pulls this kind of thing all the time. I tried to "dumb it down" with the words, make it more kid-like, but it doesn't feel like it was successful. It's been a while since I had to write in the mindset of a younger person. Nonetheless, Sarah is a tween anyway and Clem is all…weirdly mature thinking, or is just really self-aware as some people just happen to be, so I think it works in a way.

-K


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